Lose Yourself
by D-chan
Summary: Sora/Kairi, Riku/Sora :: AU, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, multiple freaky things :: It all started with a simple question -- Have you ever killed? -- but turned into something far worse... *COMPLETE*
1. Prologue

**:: Lose Yourself ::**

_Kingdom Hearts_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts; rights go to Squaresoft and Disney. The plot is somewhat based off the book called _The Voice in the Night_ by Dean Koontz.

Rating: R

Pairings: Riku+Sora, Sora/Kairi, Riku/Sora

Warnings: AU, suspense, horror, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, multiple freaky things

Notes: Heavily influenced by said book above. Frightening, but inspirational.

The plot will be alternate universe. It'll still be on Destiny Islands, but without the plot for Kingdom Hearts. The characters will be _mostly_ the same. Mostly. I'm going to try to make this even more violent and frightening than the actual book I read, which should be a real challenge. Also, this is my excuse to write blood and gore. I haven't properly done _that in years. Literally._

Anyway, please review, criticize, anything. Flames are fine. Flames amuse me. And yeah, some points are going to be similar to the book, but I'll do my best to give this different twists.

Ironic. I just finished the game today, too.

Anyway, read on. The prologue is short, but it'll get a point across.

There were no flaws in his plan. Not a single thing could be traced back to him.

The switchblade was comfortable in his palm, nicely heavy and weighted, but light enough to handle with ease. He'd had a lifelong practice with pretend swords to back him up on this. His legs were powerful, though it was hard to tell with his choice of clothing. However, just for the occasion, he was wearing simple jeans, licking his lips with excitement as he advanced on his prey.

A shrill scream broke the dead of the night, and a slight girl turned and ran, as fast as she could. He allowed her to get ahead a few feet before he started after her. Gentle slopes, hardly enough to wind him; he was fit and healthy, and this kind of chase titillated him.

Of course, nothing could compare to the kill.

He grew tired of her cries to help, her pathetic plans of escape. She wasn't clever; few were. It bored him. He wanted a challenge.

He finally caught up to her, knocking her to the ground with a single hard blow with his fist. She fell with a loud, meaty thud. He was instantly upon her, straddling her waist, the switchblade pressed to her throat. It began to drizzle; how appropriate. He smiled a maniacal smile, leaning down to whisper four words in her ear.

"It's a _real_ popper."

There was a slash, no time for her to scream, and then she couldn't breathe. He watched in delight as she choked on her own blood, the flesh of her throat writhing almost as though it were alive. Her face was frozen in horror, and she bled, bled, bled... Pools of crimson trickled down, mingling with the rain on the streets. He watched until she finally collapsed; her heart slowed. Her lips were barely moving, wordless pleas for help.

There wasn't a trace of peace on her face as she finally died.

He stood, wiping the blade off on her skirt. Almost as an afterthought, he brought the blade to his lips. His tongue flicked out, wiping away any traces of blood left. He looked down, not satisfied. It was fun to kill, sure, a real popper. But he needed more challenging victims, and better ways to kill them off. It needed to stretch out longer, to be more painful. They needed to suffer, because torment was the best way to go.

He smiled to himself, allowing the fantasies to run through his mind. God, how great it would be to find a pick-ax, or some large sharp object of some sort, and to murder people in their sleep. Maybe hack off limbs and leave them in various places in their own homes. He'd read horror novels, read some of the same as his friends, and the very ideas they implanted in his mind were wonderful.

Planning wonderful deaths for the near future, he left behind the dead body, not once bothering to marvel at the blood trickling with the water, dripping into sewers to taint them further.

He had only been ten years old.


	2. Chapter One: Doubts

**:: Lose Yourself ::**

_Kingdom Hearts_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts; rights go to Squaresoft and Disney. The plot is somewhat based off the book called _The Voice in the Night_ by Dean Koontz.

Rating: R

Pairings: Riku+Sora, Sora/Kairi, Riku/Sora

Warnings: AU, suspense, horror, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, language, multiple freaky things

Notes: I'm very pleased with this. This is such an exciting project; it's been a long time since I truly pressed into the world of darkness and blood and gore and insanity. _Illusions_ was way too laid-back; this should be much more intense, much more insane. It'll be great. I'm mostly happy because I've managed to make the plot deter from Dean Koontz's book. Some things I did were added last-minute and thought up on the spot, but I like them. It works with what I have in mind later.

Anyway, flames and reviews welcomed, and, as always, criticism is encouraged and will be worshipped. I know already that the prose is simpler than what I've done before, and maybe this is a mistake. I dunno, but I hope you guys have some sort of criticism to offer. *hopeful* Or if not, at least point out what you like? ^^;

Done rambling. Enjoy.

_Chapter One_

_Doubts_

"There was another one."

Sora started at the feminine voice, turning from his comfortable position -- lying with his back on the sand, soaking up shimmering sunshine rays -- to face his girlfriend. She looked anxious, her pretty eyebrows furrowed, chewing on her lip nervously.

"Another what?"

"Another murder."

Sora winced; this had been a hot topic for over six years. Random, horrible killings had been happening on Destiny Islands since he had been a child. Not that he still wasn't, at the awkward age of fifteen. It was creepy, and he did his best not to get involved in any way. That included talking about it.

However, his girlfriend would have none of it. She was worried, constantly, and rightfully so. Sora hated it, but he put up with it because he cared about her and knew that he, too, should be scared. However, he just kept himself busy so as not to think about it. He'd also known her long enough to realize that she wanted to talk about it, whether he wanted to or not. So he submitted.

"Sit down," he invited, patting the sand beside him as he sat up. She accepted, pulling her knees up until they rested against the gentle curves of her breasts. "Do you want to talk about it?"

That was the rock that broke the dam. The words poured forth from her mouth, quickly gaining speed until she was almost babbling. "It was worse this time, so much worse. He was ripped to shreds, all clean cuts, all intentional. They were all over his body, several formed into crosses and others just crude words and phrases torn into his flesh. Oh, God, they had pictures..." She broke off, burying her face in her hands. "It was so horrible, so utterly horrible..."

He placed a hand on her shoulder, gently pulling her toward him. "Shh," he said soothingly, though he felt awkward and was squirming inside. "You forget; all of this happens on the other side of the island, the urban side. Who would bother with us, Kairi?"

She collected her bearings, sighing. "I don't know... they're all young victims, no one older than seventeen."

"In a couple years well be safe, then."

"That's not the point."

Sora chewed on his lower lip, accidentally drawing blood. He stopped, sucking lightly on the wound. He was constantly doing that because Kairi always made him _think_ about things, and it was just so much nicer to get away from reality. He didn't dislike it about her; rather, he liked that she kept him on his toes more often. He knew it was better for him. Even so...

"What _is_ the point, then?"

"He's good."

"We don't know it's a guy."

"We don't have proof otherwise."

Sora waved a hand, humoring her. "Okay, okay. Of course he's good. You'd have to be good to get away with random, sporadic killing for over six years."

"We're only fifteen. Who knows how old he is?"

"Who cares? He's dangerous either way." Sora rolled his head, working out a kink that had worked its way in there. Brown hair obscured his vision; he had to push it away.

She sighed again, lapsing into silence. Sora was grateful, but now he couldn't shake the latest updates. It was sick, just sick, the way the "execution" was carried out. This hadn't been the first, but so far it _was_ the most gruesome. Each murder just seemed to get worse.

It had been a worse shock six years ago, when a little girl of about twelve had been killed. Her throat had been slit; her body left to spill her blood into the sewers. Much of the murders afterward had been similar, but over the years they grew less frequent, but always worse, always more bloody, always more sickening.

Sora's eyebrows furrowed as he absently ran his fingers through Kairi's soft red hair, effectively calming her tense body. The worst thing, to him, was that it made Kairi so upset, perhaps because most of the victims were girls. Over the years the murders just made people tenser. It was horrible they had no evidence to go by; never. Not a hair, a thread of clothing, a single fingerprint. The murderer was cunning, eerily so.

Kairi's head lifted almost lazily, and suddenly she jerked away from him. Sora was familiar enough with this by now to understand why. He turned to see Riku approaching them from behind, still a ways away. He couldn't understand why she wanted to keep their relationship a secret from his best friend -- a relationship that had been established approximately two months ago -- but he respected her wishes.

"Yo," he called, waving to his best friend.

"Hey," Riku greeted, grinning a bit too happily as he took a seat beside them. He was almost always in good spirits, his reaction to the murders the opposite of Kairi's. In truth he seemed fascinated, always admiring the clever way the killer executed his plans-- literally. It was a bit morbid, but didn't bother Sora. "Did you hear?"

"Kairi just told me," Sora explained.

"Ah, that explains the cuddling. You're upset again," Riku responded, directing the last statement to Kairi.

She smiled weakly. "Yeah." The smile died almost instantaneously.

Riku hissed between his teeth as his gaze turned outward, eyes glazing over. "It was gruesome. So horribly gruesome." He didn't take notice of their female friend's grimace. Sora, however, was mildly captivated. It was something he and Riku had somewhat in common. Sora hated the murders, but it was interesting all the same. "All that blood... it must've been a real mess. They found him in the _graveyard_, for God's sake, just bleeding horrendously, eyes stuck in a look of terror, glazed over..."

"Stop it," Kairi whispered.

Riku didn't seem to hear her. Sora didn't despair his talk. "They found him early in the morning, you know, three days ago. But they tried to keep it quiet; didn't want to scare us any more than we already are. But it didn't work. Word gets around." He grinned. "What a popper; what a real popper!"

"Don't say that!" Kairi cried, leaping to her feet, her face pale. Sora was looking at his friend oddly; he'd never heard him utter something so strange. "That was written on him; his body. Don't _say_ it!"

"Where did you think I'd gotten it from?" Riku inquired, an eyebrow raised. "Relax; it's just an expression. Besides, it may mean an entirely different thing. But I think it's a thrill."

Kairi was shaking her head, tears threatening to fall. "Don't... please..."

Riku knew where the lines were drawn; he wisely shut up, turning his gaze out to the ocean. But Sora noted that his gaze was a bit dreamy; he was still thinking about the murder.

Sora couldn't blame him. It was sickeningly fascinating to think about.

"Are we still up for later?" Riku finally asked, his excitement having cooled. His avoided looking at either at his friends, which was only vaguely disconcerting.

Kairi shook her head. "Mom won't let me out after dark. Sorry."

Sora, however, wasn't in the same situation. "I'll be there." He flashed a hesitant look in Kairi's direction. "Sorry."

Riku didn't look nearly as sorry. In fact, his demeanor seemed to brighten a bit, whilst Kairi's seemed to darken. Her smile was also hesitant, but her eyes were flickering with worry rather than apology, as Sora's had been.

Riku got to his feet, looking restless. "I'll see you later, then. Sorry you can't make it, Kairi." He gave them a slight wave, wandering off in the direction of Paopu Island. Sora looked after him uneasily, and it was clear Kairi shared that anxiety.

"Do you think Riku's the killer?"

Sora blinked, taking a moment to let her question sink in. Then, without warning, he burst into a fit of laughter.

"Riku? A killer?" He shook his head, snickering softly. "He may act mean, but he doesn't have the guts to kill anyone."

Kairi only smiled weakly.

Her question stuck with him through the day, however. A part of Sora berated himself for thinking such nonsense, but another part was whispering, planting doubts in his mind.

_He's clever, just like the killer._

Not _that_ clever. Even Riku would be careless.

_He's strong._

So? Lots of people on the island were, including several adults. The work around here was hard if you weren't a part of the business.

_He has an affinity for death._

So did other people. It was an interesting subject.

_He likes seeing blood._

Not really.

_And death._

No. He hated it.

Sora thought back a few years, the whispers bringing back the incident almost without his full consent.

When he and Riku had been very young, only six years old, they had been playing on the wooden walkways. It was a fond past-time of theirs to compete, wrestle, get into boyish fights that always ended in several scrapes and bruises. It was natural with a pair of active boys, especially when those boys were young, energetic, and competitive.

Not paying attention to the edge, Riku had accidentally pushed his best friend too far. Sora toppled over the side with a loud cry, ending in a muffled _oomph_ as he landed hard, on his back, on something that made a sickening, crackling _squish_.

Horrified, the young boy scrambled to his feet. Riku was calling him, worried for his friend's safety, but when he found out his friend was okay he followed Sora's terror-stricken gaze to the ground where the obviously dead bird lay.

Sora had carried the dead thing in both his small hands, Riku walking alongside him with a pained expression. He had shown his mother, both boys intending to ask her if there was anything she could do.

Sora's mother had screamed after one good look at the bird. It was a scream that still made Sora cringe. He had been young and naive; how could he have known the true horrors of death? Just a bird, sure, but the squashed corpse still haunted him. He hadn't thought about it in years until today.

The brunette shook his head, grimacing. It was a morbid memory, and he didn't like it.

Still, it hushed the voices in his head. Riku had been disgusted and terrified at the death of a simple bird. Why would he kill _people_?

Satisfied with that conclusion, Sora nodded to himself. He locked his hands behind his head, on his way home for dinner. Once darkness fell, he'd be going out again. He kind of doubted his mother would want him out, but as long as he was with Riku she usually didn't mind.

That actually stung, as though she didn't trust him to protect himself.

_I'm strong enough,_ he thought, frowning. _Not _as_ strong as Riku, but I'm getting there. I'll surpass him someday!_ Each year he gained, he felt as though that day were that much closer. Sometimes he felt he could almost _taste_ it, that victory...

Sora grinned, gladly distracted with good thoughts and fantasies of the future.

The gentle reds and golds of evening were giving way to the ultimate, enveloping darkness of the night. Sora sat on his bed with his legs folded over, one elbow on his knee as watched stars twinkle into view. He was just thinking, reminiscing before he had to leave.

A year ago he, Kairi, and Riku had had the wild idea that they could go exploring on a raft, to wander out to see what other worlds were out there. A simple storm had prevented this, wrecking the raft they had worked so hard on. Discouraged but not disheartened, the three friends had tried again. This time the raft was sturdier, built better. However, second thoughts they hadn't had before -- thoughts brought on because of the storm -- made them hesitate, and now they hardly gave it a second thought.

At least, Sora and Kairi didn't. Sora was always reminded when Riku brought it up, but the conversation usually changed abruptly and usually only when Kairi was around.

Sora wished he could go on an adventure. He needed more excitement in his life.

He did like it on Destiny Islands; his best friend and girlfriend were here, and he got along with the other kids well. Wakka, Tidus, and Selphie were fun as long as they weren't around him too long. Tidus was fun to play-fight with, but not nearly as challenging as Riku. Selphie was spacey and a romanticist, but he liked her when she wasn't trying to couple him off with every other being on the planet. Wakka was all right, too, though sometimes Sora felt like the boy thought he was also playing Big Brother with him, when that was really the last thing he needed-- no matter what his mom thought.

His mom. Sometimes Sora did wonder about his mother. He loved her; he got along with her just fine; great, even. But because he was her only child, and especially with the past few years of sporadic murders, she was protective of him. She seemed only to breathe easily when he was at home or in Riku's company; preferably both. It could get annoying.

Luckily, it was just a small issue in his life.

Sora was tapping his fingers restlessly, wondering if he should just go on ahead instead of waiting for Riku, when that very boy showed up outside, signaling to him.

Sora grinned, clambering out the window and dropping to the ground. He turned to look at his best friend, transforming his features into a mocking glare. "What took you so long? I was ready to go without you."

"Parents held me up," Riku replied. Sora didn't miss the other teen's clenched teeth, or his slightly strained smile. "Come on, already."

They hurried through the night, ducking through brush and bushes, avoiding tendrils of vines that threatened to trip them up or ensnare them in the midst of the night. Both were excited, their blood pulsing and childish giggles bursting out now and then as they raced to the Secret Place.

Riku had a flashlight with him. He flicked it on, edging through the caves slowly and cautiously. Sora was right on his heels.

Once in the gut of the cave, Riku instantly went to the side where a crook in the stone wall was. He pulled, twisting at a rock until it burst out, dropping to his feet. Sora couldn't help but flinch as the rock barely missed the older youth's toes; Riku didn't seem to notice. He was reaching into the hole, his arm swallowed to the elbow in rock.

He cursed, drawing his hand out empty. He reached in again, and this time didn't return to his friend empty handed. There were crudely shaped candles; matches. Riku and Sora went to work, lighting them and setting them in various places. Wax stuck to the rocks they chose, a hint of them having done this more than once.

"Are you sure this will work?" Sora asked, as he always did. They had been coming back once a week every week for the past month or so. He and Kairi constantly had doubts, which Riku would always assuage. Normally he would answer crossly, but he was in a more than decent mood today.

"No, but what other choice do we have?"

The answer surprised Sora. Normally Riku was dead sure of himself. "I guess..."

"Hand me a dry stick from over there."

Sora complied. Riku doused the end of the stick in lighter fluid before standing back, reaching out to touch the tip to a candle. The end of the stick burst into flame, a loud but brief roaring noise as the fire licked hungrily at the seasoned wood. Riku grinned, and for a moment Sora saw a demonic gleam in his eyes. But it was a trick of light, because he blinked and Riku was looking at him, perfectly normal. He was just Riku, no one else.

"Okay. Hold this." Riku gave Sora the makeshift torch, which he handled with a bit of apprehension. He hoped it wouldn't burn him, and he kept it a good distance away from his face. He looked up in time to see Riku pulling a penknife from his pocket.

"What are you doing?" he asked, puzzled. Riku never told him and Kairi the full details of the "ritual" they performed once a week, as though he was afraid they would back out if he did otherwise.

"Offering blood," he explained patiently. "When they performed this ritual way back when, a sort of blood offering was needed, either all of the travelers involved or the hand of half of them. I'm assuming you two would rather go with the former."

Sora couldn't say he disagreed. He nodded, watching as Riku slid the sharp metal over his palm, hissing softly when it cut him.

"You okay?"

"I'm fine."

Riku walked over to the crude circle they had formed at the beginning, four weeks ago, squeezing his palm. Blood dripped from the flesh, making muddy puddles on the dirt floor. Sora could only watch in fascination, the dangerous torch momentarily forgotten.

"Okay," Riku said, finally drawing his hand back. Sora thought he looked pale, but with the lighting it was hard to tell. "That should do it."

"Now what?"

"We have to burn it."

"The _blood_?"

"I'll put more lighter fluid on it. The rocks will make sure the fire doesn't go anywhere. That's why it's a tight circle."

Sora nodded, though he was growing nervous again.

Riku pulled out the container of lighter fluid, squirting heavy doses on the ground. Sora could hear the fire on the makeshift torch crackle, and for a wild moment he had the feeling the fire would jump from the stick to the ground, eager to suck up the energy of lighter fluid.

A stupid, fleeting thought, but it was still there.

Sora shivered despite the heat of the flames, and he almost didn't hear Riku. "All right, throw the torch down."

Sora obeyed.

The flames burst to life, startling the brunette so that he jumped back, tripped over a loose rock, and fell flat on his backside. He winced, glancing in Riku's direction, wary of a teasing jab... but the silver-haired youth wasn't look at him. His gaze was fixed on the fire, his eyes almost glazed over as he breathing grew uneven and ragged.

Sora stared, unsure of what to think. "Riku...?"

The older boy blinked, almost abruptly returning to normal. "Yes?"

Sora wasn't so sure he wanted to mention his friend's odd behavior. So he picked himself up, fixing his blue gaze on the fire. "Now what?"

"We let it burn until morning. We can't let it go out before then."  
"We can't stay out that long! Our parents would kill us."

Riku waved a hand. "You can go, then. I'll stay."

Sora frowned. "Are things okay between you and your parents?"

"Nothing's different from the usual."

Sore felt his friend was being evasive, but didn't dare say so. For some reason, in the darkness of night, lit only by flickering fire, Sora was almost... _frightened_ of Riku. Perhaps it was just the eerie shadows tossed across the other teen's face that made him look like a deliverer from Hell, or simply that Riku's fascination with fire and death and murder and all sorts of morbid, weird things was affecting him more during the night than it did during the day.

"Isn't the fire beautiful?"

Sora blinked, taken aback by the soft whisper. He nodded, glancing back to the orange flames. "Yeah," he agreed.

"The flames before were wonderful; a real popper."

Sora winced.

Riku noticed. "What? Does my saying that bother you, too?" There was a hidden edge to his voice, and Sora was relieved that he didn't have to lie.

"Not really, no."

Riku stared at him long and hard, pinning him with a dark, scrutinizing stare. After a few long, tense minutes, a small, tight smile touched his features. "All right, then."

Uneasy, Sora returned to staring at the fire. The flames licked at the blood and lighter fluid like a hungry beast devouring helpless prey.

Sora remembered the murder.

He closed his eyes, trying to fight the thoughts. "What happens next time?"

Normally Riku refused to tell him, but he seemed to be in an especially good mood, because he shrugged and said, "It'll be your turn."

"You're going to cut me?"

"It's just a little bit of blood, Sora."

"But why?"

"We need to pour all members' blood to the ground, sort of like a peace offering. I went today because I'm the oldest, and I'll have given the most blood if nothing goes wrong. Generally, the ritual calls for the most blood of either the eldest or the female."

Sora swallowed, an image of a helplessly bleeding Kairi coming to mind. "Why the female?" he asked thickly.

Riku sneered. "I don't know. Maybe their blood tastes sweeter." He gave Sora a wicked grin. "But no worries, because I'm the oldest. I gave my offering. Next time it'll be you. We'll go in order."

"But Kairi and I are the same age."

"You're older by a few months." Sora nodded, studying his friend closely.

Riku didn't look much different than usual. He was watching the fire with strange intent, his silvery eyebrows creased with concentration. His hands were on his hips, as though he was challenging the fire. It was a natural stance for him, and Sora always tried to better himself. Once he bested Riku he, too, would be able to stand against the world, ready to defy all odds.

He hadn't changed from his earlier clothes, still wearing the tank top and pants he normally wore. He was barefoot, the lower balloon-like material that he usually buckled to his pants also missing. Perhaps he'd found it a nuisance; Sora never understood why he wore those balloon-things anyway.

His expression, though, seemed slightly off. His eyes were unusually wide, his lips parted, his chest heaving as he breathed almost desperately. Sora shook his head, but this image wasn't false like the demonic gleam he though he'd seen earlier. Something was different. Riku seemed to be bursting at the seams, as though holding in something he was dying to get out.

"Riku? Are you okay?"

His friend's head jerked up, and the expression was lost to the dark abyss it had come from. "Huh? What do you mean?"

"You seem..." Sora floundered for a moment, waving his hands as he searched for the word. "Tense," he finally finished lamely.

Riku cocked his head to the side. "Do I?"

"Yeah, like you've got a huge secret you want to tell someone."

Riku smiled at him, a genuine smile. "Maybe."

"Why don't you, then? You can trust me."

"Mm."

"Riku!"

The older boy shook his head. "Only so much, Sora. I _do_ want to tell you -- just you, no one else -- but I'm not quite ready yet. I can wait."

Sora frowned.

Riku smirked. "But apparently you can't?"

"Now it'll be eating away at me," Sora grumbled, folding his arms over his chest and pouting slightly, a habit he'd never quite outgrown.

Riku laughed at his expression, smirking. "Aww, is widdle Sora gonna cry?"

Sora glared, shoving his friend lightly but forcefully. "Like hell."

Riku shoved him back, and so another fight began. Both boys wrestled on the dirt floor, hissing and grinning and whispering silent threats as they played. It was a rare occasion; Sora hadn't seen much of Riku lately, had admittedly missed him, and he had the lukewarm feeling that Riku felt the same. What was happening to their rock-hard friendship? How long had it been crumbling?

Sora wanted to forget about it. He shoved it to the back of his mind, instead focusing on the fight at hand.

There was plenty of room; they avoided the fire easily. Their surroundings were blurs of rock and hieroglyphs, crude, messy child's drawings and natural earth and stone.

It ended with Riku atop the smaller boy, pinning him to the ground. Both were sweating, panting, exhausted, but grinning. Sora was relieved; their friendship was still strong.

"I win, kitten," Riku whispered. Sora made a face at the nickname; it was Riku's way of taunting him, of reminding him who was the stronger of the two. Sora just thought he was weird.

The older boy rolled off him, lying flat on the ground beside Sora. Both were breathing heavily, trying to regain their composure. Finally their heavy breathing died down, slowing to a slow, peaceful pace. Sora's side hurt, but he didn't let on. A peaceful quiet overtook them.

"Riku?" he finally murmured, too tired to look at the boy. "I should be going home."

"Mm."

"What about you?"

"Gotta watch the fire."

Sora couldn't believe he'd remembered. Moments later Riku was rolling over. Sora could hear him adding more dry sticks to the dying embers. A gentle fire kept burning. It was warm; soothing.

Perhaps his mother wasn't wrong in wanting to put his life in Riku's hands. Riku was more than dependable; he had always been there for Sora, backing him up like a true friend; lying when he needed to cover up for the boy; taking the blame even when half the time it had little or nothing to do with him; defending him when he was needed. Sora liked to think he could handle himself, but occasionally it was a relief to have the older boy right behind him, with him every step of the way.

He nodded off, completely forgetting that his mother would miss him in the morning, unaware she would awaken the seagulls with a startled, piercing scream when he wasn't in his bed at 7 AM.


	3. Chapter Two: Interrogations

**:: Lose Yourself ::**

_Kingdom Hearts_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts; rights go to Squaresoft and Disney. The plot is somewhat based off the book called _The Voice in the Night_ by Dean Koontz.

Rating: R

Pairings: Riku+Sora, Sora/Kairi, Riku/Sora

Warnings: AU, suspense, horror, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, language, multiple freaky things

Notes: Yay! *claps happily* Chapter two! Am I on a roll or what? Twenty pages in two days! This is great!

No blood this time, though there are memories of it. oO; A bit more language than the last chapter, and… maybe hints of shounen ai.

*snort* For once I don't have much to say. Whatever. Enjoy. Criticism/reviews/feedback welcome.

_Chapter Two_

_Interrogations_

Sora winced against the sunlight, stirring. The blankets were uncomfortably hot. He kicked them away, yawning and stretching before he opened his eyes.

And did a double take.

Moments later the door opened, and Riku stepped in. "Ah, you're awake," he said calmly, a faint smirk on his face. "I didn't think a little wrestling match would knock you out cold for a good few hours."

Sora decided to ignore that jab. "What happened? Why am I in your room?"

Riku apparently decided to let it pass over. "You fell asleep in the Secret Place. So I brought you here."

The brunette considered this before starting suddenly, a strange swell of panic rising. "Wait, the fire--!"

"I waited until the sun rose," Riku said patiently. "_Then_ I brought you back. Your mom was shrieking something fierce earlier, but I calmed her down. She's real easy to manipulate."

Sora frowned. He didn't like that sort of talk coming from his best friend, especially about _his_ mother. "Don't say that about my mom."

The silver-haired youth just shrugged in response, saying nothing.

Sora felt uneasy.

A long, tense silence followed that. Sora glanced around his friends' room, realizing that it had changed a bit since he'd last visited. Riku's parents didn't take well to visitors; Riku's mother claimed she was worried about the dirt _two_ boys would track in, but Sora was positive it was just him. Kairi had been let in without hesitation; he knew, because once when Riku had a mild flu and couldn't come out she had gone to visit him. She'd come back oddly silent, and refused to talk to the silver-haired boy for days.

Come to think of it, the two had been on terse terms since then. Sora screwed his face in thought, trying to remember when that had been. About... two years ago? Maybe three? Why hadn't he noticed before?

Rocked by this epiphany, Sora tried to recollect his thoughts. One thing bothered him though, and perhaps it had been bothering him for a while... or maybe it was curiosity for Kairi's sake that he asked. "Why are you so fascinated by blood and death and stuff, Riku?"

The older boy regarded him curiously. "Why do you ask?"

"Just curious, I guess."

Riku stared at him for another few moments, a strange smile slowly creeping onto his face. "How can you _not_ be?" he asked softly. "It's _Death_."

"But that's just it," Sora pointed out. "It's death. Doesn't that scare you?"

"I guess so. Maybe. A little bit." Riku shrugged. "But it's just a fear, right? And fears are meant to be overcome. Death is the biggest fear; once you conquer Death, you've got everything else covered, right? Nothing's as scary as Death. Once I'm unafraid of Death, I'll be the strongest."

Sora suppressed a shiver. He could _feel_ the looming darkness; he could almost literally see Riku capitalizing that word; Death. The importance was made so great to him, perhaps because it made it seem that much bigger a fear. And he was determined to have control over it.

Well, it _did_ explain his morbid fascination with the murders. Sora breathed easily.

"Well, so long as you don't kill people, right?" he asked lightly, grinning.

Riku only grinned back.

The rest of the morning passed by uneventfully. Sora found himself sneaking into the Secret Place around afternoon, just when the sun was beating down relentlessly. Normally he stayed out to enjoy it; Riku was more likely to hole up in a shady place. But he wanted to see the remains of their work.

Not surprisingly, Sora found that the candles had been put back to their original hiding place. The excess wax had been scraped off the best it could be, though some stubbornly clung to the rock. A faint smell of an old fire lingered, but most of it had been aired out through the couple of holes in the ceiling. The circle of rocks was still tight, some blackened embers being the only proof of a previous fire.

It was there Riku had spilled his blood and burned it.

Sora crouched in front of it, morbidly curious. He poked around the cooled remains, but no blood was there. Naturally. Whatever hadn't dissipated in the fire would have been soaked up into the ground, though of Riku _had_ really kept the flames burning until sunrise, Sora highly doubted that would have happened. The stench of the burned blood still lingered, and it pulled at his gag reflex. Sora managed to simply make a face before moving on.

In his mind's eye, he could see and hear Riku. He could see the older, barefooted teen standing a few feet away. He could almost feel the heat of the makeshift torch against his skin; he saw Riku pull out the penknife; he saw Riku draw the blade over his skin three times before it broke; he saw blood dripping from the boy's pale palm and to the ground; he saw and heard the boy squeeze the cut, making a faint _squish_ing noise; he heard him speak.

_"I'm offering blood. When they performed this ritual, a sort of blood offering was needed, either all of the travelers involved or the hands of half of them."_

Sora shuddered. He was definitely glad there was another option. How long had it taken those travelers to figure out they could just use blood rather than sever a limb? How many travelers had willingly cut off their hands just to ensure their safe but exciting adventures?

"I didn't think I'd find you here."

Sora wasn't too badly startled by the voice. He stood and turned, smiling at his girlfriend. "Hey, Kairi."

"Hi," she returned, her eyes moving toward the floor. She stepped forward, paused, and then wrinkled her nose a little. "Did you two burn something last night?"

Sora nodded. "Yeah. We had to make a sacrifice."

Kairi looked alarmed. "What did you burn?!"

Sora locked his hands behind his head, trying to keep his expression solemn. "Well, we were going to find a pigeon--"

"What?"

"--but there weren't any on this side of the island, so we decided to find Tidus--"

"Sora, that's not funny!"

Her voice was rising, becoming more high-pitched, a bit harsh. Sora winced and stopped. "Seriously? Riku just spilled a bit of blood. We burned that." Kairi frowned in skepticism, and he protested, "I'm being truthful this time!"

"Why would you burn blood? He didn't cut himself too deeply, did he?"

Sora shook his head and let his hands fall to his sides. "No, he didn't. And he says it's part of the ritual. It'll be my turn next time, then yours. We're going in chronological order."

Kairi didn't look happy. "What did he cut himself with? Was it dirty?"

"Of course not. It was just a penknife, a bit dull at that."

Kairi sighed heavily. "Maybe we should stop."

"Huh? Why?"

"I don't feel comfortable cutting our bodies open just to burn what we spill out."

"It's just a bit of blood. Riku said he gave the most, and as it goes down we'll offer less. You won't get more than a pinprick, probably." At her hesitation, he added, "He said it was either that or one of our hands. He's taking the easy way out, really."

She sighed again, folding her arms and shivering as though she were cold. It was a relatively cool day, though, even in the shadows and depths of the Secret Place. Her blue eyes were dark and unhappy. "I suppose," she finally replied.

Now Sora was truly concerned. He walked up to her, tentatively touching her bare shoulder. She normally only wore spaghetti-strap tank tops. She said it let her tan better, but the truth was it was cooler than wearing a shirt with thicker straps or sleeves. Girls seemed more aware of the temperature and climate than boys; that is, Sora and Riku usually weren't as bothered by sudden changes, whilst Kairi and Selphie would complain.

Once Riku had jabbed at her, teasing her by saying she should just take everything off if she was so hot. Sora remembered blushing at the thought, and Kairi's furious slap. It had resounded loudly, and Riku had let her, despite the sting it released on his pride. Perhaps because he'd deserved it, or perhaps he'd been caught off guard. That episode had taken place shortly after he recovered from the mild illness that had somehow made Kairi very wary of him.

"Kairi? Are you okay?" he asked gently.

She shook her head; he liked that she was honest with him, but it still upset him to see _her_ upset. "I just don't like the idea of him cutting us open like that."

Sora frowned. "But Riku wouldn't hurt us."

Kairi hesitated before answering. "Maybe not on purpose," she agreed reluctantly, instantly alarming Sora. Did she actually think Riku would intentionally hurt them?

"You're not still thinking _he's_ the killer, are you?"

"So what if I am?"

"Kairi, it's not like you."

"It's not my fault," she retorted, uncharacteristically angry. "He's creeping me out. He started mimicking the murderer yesterday. He said he got it from the words and phrases cut into that guy's back, but what if he was the one that wrote it in the first place? What if he's lying to us? What if he's so fascinated with death that he actually _kills_ for the thrill of it?"

The brunette shook his head, a bit shaken but firmly doubtful. "Kairi, that's silly. Riku's scared of death. He says he tries not to be; he's trying to be stronger than that, but it's only a natural reaction. Anyway, why would someone that still fears death kill?"

His girlfriend shrugged, her gaze falling to the floor. Sora felt he had won this battle, but he wasn't happy. She was clearly miserable, and she was going to make herself sick with all this worrying. He embraced her gently, clasping his arms behind her back and sighing with apparent relief as she hugged him back, though a bit tightly.

"Don't worry," he murmured. "Even if it _was_ Riku, I'm here; I'd protect you."

She buried her face in his shoulder, inhaling shakily. "I know," she whispered as tears spilled over. "I know you would..."

"Are you _serious_?"

Sora shrugged one shoulder, looking uncomfortable. "Yeah, I guess."

Tidus stared at him for a moment before he burst into a fit of laughter. He actually fell off the dock, landing with a loud splash. Sora peered over the edge, only mildly alarmed to hear the boy coughing and sputtering. As soon as Tidus gulped in an appropriate amount of air, he started snickering again.

"Riku? A murderer? _Please!_ I've seen kittens more vicious than him."

Sora raised an eyebrow, reminded of Riku's taunting him with that nickname the previous night: kitten.

"I just want to know how to reassure her Riku's okay," Sora said. "I don't understand why she distrusts him so much. He's my best friend; wouldn't I, of all people, notice if there was something unusual about him?"

"I guess."

Sora gave him a sharp look. "What do you mean, you guess?"

Tidus shrugged, shaking salty water from his hair. He clambered back up on the dock to kneel on the hot wood, barely flinching as he did so. "I'm just saying that you've been spending a lot more time with Kairi than him. It wouldn't surprise me if there was something huge about him that you didn't know."

Sora scowled, though inwardly he was very uneasy. If he was spending _that_ much time with Kairi, then surely everyone, especially Riku, would know they were going out, right?

"Wakka noticed too, you know. And Selphie has the crazy idea that you and Kairi are going out."

Sora blinked. "Why would that be a crazy idea?"

Tidus looked as though he'd said something he shouldn't have. It was only for a moment, just a quick widening of his eyes, a sudden aversion of his gaze, and the slight paleness of his face. But when he spoke, his voice was very normal; if Sora hadn't noticed his expression, he wouldn't have realized he'd asked something very strange and very, very dangerous. "I dunno. I guess you two seem more like siblings, that's all."

The brunette frowned at the sandy-haired teen, but Tidus ignored him as he got to his feet, jabbing him in the side with the pole he always had at his side. "Get your sword! I challenge you to a duel!"

Sora leapt up to the challenge. "Yeah? On what grounds?"

Tidus grinned, swinging the pole once in the air. "Winner gets to decide the loser's punishment."

"Sounds good to me."

Sora ran for his wooden sword, confident he would win. Tidus was good, especially when he did that trick where he somersaulted in the air (Sora jealously wished he could do that) but he didn't practice with Riku nearly as much as Sora did. Riku was, without a doubt, the best swordfighter among all the children on Destiny Islands, perhaps even most of the adults. Sora constantly play-fought with the older youth, usually losing, but sometimes winning by a thread's chance. If Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie couldn't beat Riku three-on-one, there was no way Tidus could best Sora alone.

Still, it had to be fun to try, and Sora did like fighting with the smaller boy occasionally.

It may not have been intended, or it may have been, but Tidus' diversion worked nicely. Sora completely forgot about his strange reaction to his and Kairi's relationship and never gave it a second thought for the rest of the day.

"Sora?"

"Yeah?"

"I need to ask you something."

The brunette blinked at the unusually serious tone in his best friend's voice. He rolled over on his side, peering up at him. One hand automatically came up to shield his eyes from the insistently bright sun. The day had slipped to late afternoon, two days after his brief conversation with Tidus. Sora had truly forgotten about the strange turn it had taken, and for some reason was reminded of it when he noticed Riku's unusually stiff posture, sensed the tension thrumming through the older youth's powerful muscles.

The smaller boy sat up, brushing sand from his hair. He smiled amiably to put his friend at ease. "Okay."

Riku shook his head. "No. Not here. Let's go to my house."

Sora blinked; Riku rarely liked going home. Apparently he didn't get along with his parents too well, or had probably just had a recent fight with them. The invitation was nice, but strange. "Why there?"

"Privacy."

"But your parents--"

"Are out."

"Oh." Sora saw no reason to refuse; he never really had. He didn't expect to see Kairi later, as she'd gone on a shopping trip with her mother on the urban side of the island -- half of the reason was Kairi's mother's attempts to try to calm her almost paranoid daughter -- and wouldn't expect to be back until late. "Okay."

Riku nodded and began walking swiftly away. Startled, Sora had to scramble to catch up.

"Hey... what's the hurry?" he panted, trying to keep up with the taller boy's suddenly brisk pace. Riku didn't answer. Irritated, Sora just fell into step with him.

It was a short, ten minute walk from the beach to Riku's house. The silver-haired boy fished a key from the overhead gutter, where the family hid their spare. It seemed like an odd place to put it, but considering his parents were finicky about a clean house -- inside and out -- it wasn't too surprising. Riku's hands always came back perfectly clean.

In no time at all, Sora was seated at the counter that adjoined Riku's family's living room and kitchen. Riku quickly rummaged through the refrigerator, bringing back a couple of sodas and grabbing a bag of chips from the counter. Both boys were oddly quiet as they snacked; Sora was a bit worried when his friend didn't speak or even look at him for a whole ten minutes.

Finally, Riku broke the silence. "Sora... have you ever killed?"

Sora nearly choked on his Coke. He wiped his mouth, giving his friend an odd look. "Huh?"

"Have you ever killed?" Riku repeated, a bit impatiently. "You know, anything. Bugs included."

"Oh. Of course. Mosquitoes and spiders, all the time."

Riku tilted his head to the side, smirking slightly. "Spiders?"

Sora nodded. "Mom hates 'em."

"Did you like it?"

"Killing bugs?"

"Yeah."

"Mosquitoes, yeah. I hate it when they bite me. It doesn't bother me to kill spiders, I guess."

"Hm. Kairi would freak. She's such a nature lover."

Sora was a bit put off by the hint of disdain in Riku's voice, but he said nothing of it. He sipped at his soda.

After a few short moments, Riku spoke again. "Anything bigger?"

"Like what?"

"Mice. Bats. A dog."

"A _dog_?" Riku grinned maliciously, and Sora relaxed, realizing he was pulling his leg. "You're really strange, Riku."

"Yeah," the other boy agreed, shifting his aqua-green eyes to the floor. When he raised them again, Sora nearly reeled from the smoldering look they held. He hadn't thought his friend was capable of such an intense expression. "So did you?"

_Kill bigger things, he means,_ Sora realized. "I don't think so. Maybe."

"The bird."

"It was an accident," Sora said uncomfortably, fighting a sudden, brief wave of nausea. He could still picture the dead bird, the dark, squashed feathers, the sticky blood... he shuddered, shoving the thought away. He was being morbid lately, too. Riku was dragging him down, damnit!

Riku studied his face, as though searching for something. He must have found it, or been satisfied with the lack of finding it, because he sat back, smiling at his friend reassuringly. "I know."

Sora smiled faintly.

He thought Riku was finished with his strange interrogation, but it seemed he was far from it. "Would you want to?"

Sora frowned. "Want to what?"

"Kill something bigger," Riku said, clearly impatient.

"I don't know. Not if I could help it."

"You wouldn't like it?"

The brunette put down his can of soda, frowning deeply. "Riku, why are you asking all of this? Do you think I'm the murderer? Are we all going to end up suspecting each other?"

The silver-haired boy looked mildly surprised, then amused. "_You_ as the murderer?"

"Isn't that what you're implying?"

"Hell, no!" Riku laughed, at first softly, then almost hysterically. He had to put down his soda, one arm covering his stomach as he snickered. Sora felt his face warm as he looked away, embarrassed. Clearly, Riku thought any of them being a murderer was a joke.

When he finally calmed down enough to speak, Riku turned back to his friend, eyes gleaming with wicked mirth. "Sora, you're the _last_ person I'd suspect. Even if you _were_ the murderer, I wouldn't care."

"You wouldn't _care_?"

Riku shook his head, reaching up to push silver bangs from his eyes. "No. Because you're my best friend. Even if you killed my parents with a pick-ax--"

"--or lit their heads on fire?"

"--or speared them with barbeque prongs--"

"--or melted off certain parts of certain anatomies with powerful UV rays?"

Riku snickered. "Even then, I'd never care, or tell."

Sora tilted his head to the side, pondering this briefly. Riku was simply saying that they would be best friends, no matter what, and Sora was relieved to hear that. He had been a bit afraid that their relationship was falling apart, but clearly Riku didn't think so. Maybe this sort of separation was natural for boys their age. They'd never _truly_ stop being friends, much less best friends.

He grinned broadly. "Me, too. I'd never turn my back on you, either."

Riku smiled, looking satisfied, as though that had been exactly what he'd wanted to hear. "That's good to know." He seemed to mean it. His stare was starting to make Sora uncomfortable, but the younger boy fought it. Sometimes Riku would purposefully make him uneasy just to get a rise out of him. His voice startled him as it came out softer than before, the stare unusually intense and probing. "That's _really_ good to know."

The sun had set well over an hour ago, and Riku seemed tense again. Sora had the feeling he was right on the fight hunch, and that his friend didn't want Sora around to see him arguing with his parents. It was understandable; Sora would have been embarrassed to have Riku witness a verbal fight with his own mother.

Sora turned to his friend one last time, grinning. "See you tomorrow?"

"Sure," Riku said easily, nodding. "And... thanks for coming over."

Sora blinked; that was a bit unusual. But he shrugged it off. "Sure, no problem." He waved, turned to leave... then hesitated, watching his friend from the corner of his eye. Riku was smiling strangely; not so demented as mysterious, perhaps a bit creepy. His eyes sent strange chills through Sora's frame, and he had to collect himself quickly to move fast enough to look casual.

The sand made soft crunching noises beneath his feet as he walked. It was only a five minute walk from Riku's house to his own, but Sora was oddly edgy. He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself. God forbid he become like Kairi!

Kairi. He hoped she had survived the trip to the other side of the island all right. He really was getting worried about her.

Easily relaxing, Sora locked his hands behind his head, gazing up. Stars glittered in the sky, littering the darkness with pinpricks of light.

He wondered why Riku had wanted to know if he liked killing things, if he didn't think Sora was the killer. It was strange. Riku's fascination with death never ceased to both amaze and appall Sora.

It didn't _worry_ him, exactly. It just sort of bothered him, and made him desperately curious to the older boy's intentions. Sora hated being left in the dark.

But perhaps it had something to do with Riku's big secret? Sora grabbed that idea, pondering the merits eagerly. It probably had something to do with the killer... maybe Riku had a plan to stop him? Riku was clever; he could definitely do it if he tried. And maybe he wanted Sora to help! The brunette grinned widely; this was exactly the kind of adventure he'd been craving!

Unable to let go of the rich fantasy, Sora grinned and glanced over his shoulder, almost as if he expected his friend to be following him. He wasn't, but even if he had been Sora would have whispered the same thing into the chilly night air. "Riku, you so kick ass."

Satisfied and excited with these thoughts, Sora opened the front door and slipped into his house.


	4. Chapter Three: Borderline Obsession

**:: Lose Yourself ::**

_Kingdom Hearts_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts; rights go to Squaresoft and Disney. The plot is somewhat based off the book called _The Voice in the Night_ by Dean Koontz.

Rating: R

Pairings: Riku+Sora, Sora/Kairi, Riku/Sora, hints of Tidus+Kairi

Warnings: AU, suspense, horror, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, language, multiple freaky things

Notes: YAY! Finally, some violence! Not as bloody or violent as it's going to get, but we have it! Also, some yaoi. Or shounen ai. What-fucking ever. .;;

And yeah, the Tidus+Kairi is there. Unintentional, but it's there, and I don't mind making it work a bit. Not that it'll matter in the long run. It's one sided… blink and you'll miss it, though. ^^;

_Chapter Three_

_Borderline Obsession_

It was especially hot. Sora felt sweat trickling down the back of his neck as he strained to keep himself defended. Riku's wicked eyes gleamed at him; they were caught in an impenetrable state of war.

Well, almost impenetrable.

"Are you two fighting _again_?"

The almost incredulous question and the owner of the voice made Sora look up. "Hey, Kairi," he managed to get out before pushing against Riku's strength. It didn't throw the other boy off balance as he'd hoped it would, but Sora decided it was enough for now. He abandoned the play fight to talk to Kairi, wooden sword forgotten on the sand.

"Damnit, Sora, if you quit now you forfeit!"

Sora ignored him, not pausing until he had reached Kairi. "Don't worry, it's just play," he said, grinning as he glanced back at Riku. The other boy was shooting him a withering glare, and Sora's smile faltered. Riku actually looked furious.

"Riku?"

Shaking his head in disgust, Riku tossed his own makeshift sword to the ground and stalked off.

Kairi bit her lip. "Maybe you shouldn't have ignored him."

Sora sighed. Lately she'd been noticing more and more of the boys' arguments rather than their friendly moments. Sora and Riku rarely fought for real, so he didn't know why she was making such a big deal out of it. "He's just mad because I stopped. He'll get over it."

"I sure hope so."

He frowned, shaking his head. Sometimes she could be so paranoid, but he didn't dare tell her. Sometimes her wrath could be worse than Riku's, especially as of late.

She refused to smile just yet. "Are you two going back again this weekend?"

"Yeah. It's my turn this time. You coming?"

"I'll sneak out if I have to."

Sora cocked an eyebrow; it sounded very unlike her. "How... boyish of you," he teased.

She turned to him, a spark of amusement in her eyes. He almost collapsed with relief; her tension was, in turn, making _him_ tense lately. It was a great relief to see her in good spirits, no matter how brief. "What are you implying?"

"Nothing," he said innocently.

"Liar."

"Make me tell, then."

"Maybe I will!" Kairi tackled him, instantly attacking his sides. Sora was hopelessly ticklish there and he fell to her attack, laughing as he helplessly tried to defend himself against her astonishingly fast hands.

He forgot about Riku's anger.

A loud shout interrupted their fun.

Sora and Kairi were soaked, having fallen over the side of Paopu Island and gotten into a huge, childish water fight long ago. Sora was relieved to relax and just have fun with his girlfriend, and naturally he was winning the fight when the cry caught them both off guard. Kairi paused where she was, waist-deep in the ocean, salt water dripping from her short red hair as she turned toward the noise, looking uneasy.

"Was that Wakka?" she asked in a slightly quavering voice.

"Might've been," Sora replied, heading toward the shore. "We should go find out."

Both scrambled out of the water, Kairi only pausing to shake as much water from her clothes and body as possible before she took off after Sora. Both rounded to the other side of the island to find Wakka and Tidus on the sand.

Kairi paled. "Oh, my God..."

Sora ran forward. "Wakka? What happened to him?" he demanded, kneeling before a very pale, very injured Tidus. The sandy-haired boy in question had his mouth clamped tightly shut, tearstains on his face. His eyes were red and shone brightly with determinedly held back tears.

Wakka shook his head, his face contorted in brotherly protection. "I en't sure. I heard 'im screamin' a few minutes ago and found 'im here, ya? It _looks_ like he got into some sorta fight. I sent Selphie t'get help."

Taking another look at his friend, Sora grimaced. Tidus was a mess. Blood matted his sand-coloured hair, stained his yellow shirt, flecked over his unusually and sickeningly pale skin. He had several welts on his arms, a large bruise beneath his left eye, and a hole torn in the left side of his shirt and a huge red scrape on the skin beneath it. His mouth was clamped shut but it didn't hide the blood trickling from his split lip. His right eyebrow looked as though a large chunk of flesh had been carved out; though it was likely the skin had just been torn open. Worst of all were the fingers in his right hand; something had smashed into them hard, breaking them, likely while Tidus had been holding the pole he used as a weapon. His fingers were stained black and purple; swollen; his knuckles had been skinned and bloodied as well. A mess was the perfect way to describe him.

Sora swore beneath his breath. "Who did this to you?" he demanded.

Tidus refused to answer.

"Tidus, who did this to you?" He still didn't answer.

Kairi knelt in front of him, beside Sora, and tenderly put a hand to the cheek that wasn't swollen. "Tidus... just shake your head yes or no, if it doesn't hurt to do it." Tidus gave a slight nod. "Was it Riku?"

Tidus bowed his head, fresh tears slipping from his eyes. That told it all, at least in Sora and Kairi's eyes. Sora was frightened.

The lobby of the hospital was tense. Tidus' parents were with him while the doctors checked him over, while Sora and Kairi were anxiously waiting in the lobby. People teemed about, nurses pushing people in wheelchairs, doctors conversing frantically, all hurried and harassed-looking. The emergency room was a scary place.

Kairi returned with a cold soda in her hand. "Are you thirsty? Sora?"

The brunette shook his head, gaze fastened to the floor so he wouldn't have to look at the frantic, frightened people around him. He knew Tidus would be all right, but his injuries had been something horrible. Strangely enough, she didn't press and respected his wishes, sitting beside him and sipping a Pepsi with utter silence.

The hospital was located on the urban side of the island. Kairi was tense and fidgety; Sora would glance up and see her adjust her skirt nervously, or catch her biting her nails, or thrumming her fingers against the plastic arm of her chair. She was making _him_ nervous in turn, so he tried not to look at her. But when he wasn't concentrating on her, his mind unwillingly brought him images: bloodied and broken Tidus, a random mutilated body, a girl's slit throat, Riku's dreamy gaze as he talked about the latest murder, his piercing eyes as they followed Sora around a room...

_Riku, what the _hell_ were you thinking?_ Sora thought angrily. _You bastard! I can't believe you'd hurt Tidus like that!_

He refused to listen to the silently whispered accusations that _he_ had brought this on by ignoring his friend in the first place.

Finally, Kairi brought up what he'd dreaded her bringing up, but knew was inevitable.

"This just proves my theory may be correct."

Sora sighed, sitting up in his seat and rubbing his eyes tiredly. "About Riku being a killer, right?"

"He's so _violent_. Look what he did to Tidus; our friend! What do you think he could do in the way of bodily harm to a perfect stranger?" There was a tense edge to her voice that only made Sora irritable.

"Kairi, I'm not in the mood to hear about your _Riku's a Murderer_ theories right now," he bit.

"But it just gives you more to think about, doesn't it?" she urged. "Riku's never violent; rarely. What if he _was_ going to kill Tidus, but then Tidus screamed before he could and he backed off, knowing he could get off for just beating him up--"

"And breaking his fingers? Like hell he could get off!"

"Don't swear," she admonished stiffly. Sora shook his head, his expression turning into something similar to disgust as she continued blithely on. "It looked like he enjoyed it."

"You don't know that!"

She frowned. "If he didn't, why would he have gone so far?"

Sora's eyes hardened. "This is ridiculous."

"But--"

"Damnit, Kairi, I'm _not_ in the mood!"

She shut up abruptly, her eyes expressing her hurt as her mouth thinned and she looked away. Sighing but still irritated, Sora got to his feet and jammed his hands into his pockets, wandering off.

"Where are you going?"

"Out for a walk," he said shortly. "To cool off."

She didn't stop him. Sora was glad for it, and stepped outside. It was warmer out here than in the air conditioned hospital, but the gust of warm air brought back some of his senses. He thought briefly over his argument with Kairi and cringed, but decided to walk for a while before he went back inside. He really did need it.

Sora thought a lot as he walked around the hospital grounds for nearly an hour. He thought about Tidus, about Tidus' injuries, about Riku, about Riku's late insanity, his strange conversations, his creepy fascinations. He'd gone too far this time. Talk was fine, but when you actually _hurt_ someone, much less a _friend_... Sora would make sure he paid for it.

It completely infuriated him that Riku would do such a thing! Sora's fists clenched tightly, and he could almost feel his blood boiling in his furiously pounding heart. He struck the nearby brick wall, more than once. He skinned his knuckles, but barely felt the pain. He felt as though he were drowning in white-hot fury.

Oddly enough, it helped cool his head. He rounded the building and headed back inside.

Kairi was still there, waiting for him. She gave a small, hesitant smile. "They just said they were going to keep him overnight, just to double check for hemorrhaging, but he should be fine otherwise. Want to go see him?"

Sora nodded. She led him down a hallway, twisting and turning through a maze of them until they reached a room.

Kairi knocked lightly. The door opened to reveal a nurse.

"Are you family?" she asked skeptically. She was a short, somewhat stocky woman, getting along in life but not quite _old_. Her eyes were gray and hard, like dirty ice, and her graying blonde hair pulled back into a stern bun.

"No," Sora said. "Friends."

The nurse pursed her lips, but Sora could hear the soft voice of Tidus' mother. "Is it all right, just this one time?"

The nurse narrowed her eyes at the couple, as though suspecting they would cause Tidus more pain. "I suppose," she said tersely, waving them in impatiently. "Fifteen minutes."

Tidus' father just patted Sora on the back as he left, respecting the three teenagers' privacy. His mother murmured a thank you before she followed. The nurse stayed, watching with a hawk's eye from a corner from the room.

Tidus was sitting up on a bed. It was a double-patient room, standard, but the other bed was currently unoccupied. "Hey," he said thickly, speaking slowly because of the stitches on his lip.

"Hi," Sora greeted when Kairi said nothing. "Look... you okay?"

Tidus nodded, barely, as though the movement hurt him. "Yeah, now. I needed fifteen stitches in all; I got whacked pretty good on the back of my head."

His sandy hair was now free of caked blood. "That sucks," Sora finally said, unsure of what else to say. Tidus just gave a small smile, weak in comparison to his usual grin. Of course, he didn't want to disturb the stitches in his lower lip. His teeth were white again, also free of blood.

"I'm sorry we didn't get there sooner," Kairi said softly.

"Nothing you could have done," Tidus said easily, relaxing a bit at her piteous gaze.

Sora felt a brief flash of jealousy, but shoved it down. Kairi seemed to sense his tension, and excused herself. Sora waited until she had left before leaning closer to Tidus, whispering softly. "Riku did this, didn't he?"

Tidus shrugged.

Sora didn't like that. He frowned. "Don't worry. I'll make that bastard sorry."

Tidus just shrugged again. Sora felt his irritation swelling again, but reminded himself that Tidus' body -- and, most likely, his pride -- had just taken a severe beating in the past three hours. That managed to calm him down.

The brunette sighed, glancing out the window on the other side of the room, far from where Tidus' bed was. He could see a few palm trees and a glimmer of ocean and a lot of sky; there wasn't much to look at here. "Guess you won't be training for a while."

Tidus scoffed, much to his surprise-- and relief. It eased a huge chunk of worry; he had been afraid the boy's spirits would be broken. "Are you crazy?" Tidus asked. "I'm not stopping until I'm the best. I can still use my left hand! I'll become ambidextrous by the time my cast is off."

Sora grinned, ignoring the nurse's displeased grunt. He glanced down at the bed, where Tidus' right hand had been set in a hard cast from the middle of his forearm to the tips of his fingers, swallowing normally tanned, calloused hands. "Nothing can beat you down, huh?"

"Nope."

"That's good to hear." Sora pointed to his wrist. "What happened?"

Tidus glanced down at his cast, as though he needed confirmation that this had really happened to him. "Oh. I sprained my wrist, too. I think it was when I was trying to block..." His voice trailed off.

Sora lowered his voice again, pinning the slightly smaller boy with a determined stare. "Don't worry about a thing. I'll make sure he pays for that he did."

Tidus managed a small smile. "Better you than anyone else," he said. "Riku would never hurt you, not badly, and not intentionally."

"What?"

Tidus gave a small, somewhat strangled laugh that made Sora start. He shook his head, sandy hair falling over his somewhat girlish eyes. "Sometimes you're very blind, Sora."

Sora didn't understand, and ended up leaving in utter confusion, for Tidus refused to say another word after that.

Kairi caught him in the hallway, grabbing his arm. "What did you talk about?" she asked softly, but unsure, as though she didn't want to pry but felt pressed to anyway.

"Nothing important," Sora said. "He's going to practice with his left hand, he says, so at least he's fine emotionally."

His girlfriend gripped his arm tighter, making him flinch slightly at her surprisingly strong grip. She didn't speak until he met her eyes, and then it was to say, "I don't think you should confront Riku. Maybe Tidus thinks he wouldn't hurt you, but _I_ do."

"Riku's our friend. He cares for us better than anyone." Sora shook off her arm, not liking her trying to order him around. "He may fight with me for real, but he'd never do to me what he did to Tidus. He knows I'd just avoid most of his attacks anyway."

"What if he doesn't hurt you physically?"

"How else _can_ he hurt me?"

"Mentally. Emotionally. What if he plays with your feelings?" Sora shook his head in disbelief.

"You're talking strange, Kairi. There's no way he can hurt me emotionally or mentally since he doesn't know about us-- which, by the way, I doubt he'd care about, unless he's stalking you when I'm not looking?"

Kairi frowned. "Tidus was right. You _can_ be blind to some things, usually the most important ones."

"He was also right about Riku never hurting us," he said tensely.

"You. He never included me."

"I'm sure he meant to."

"Maybe." She didn't sound convinced. Sora sighed.

It was late evening by the time Sora and Kairi returned to the other side of the island. He walked her home, promising not to bother Riku at her insistence, but as soon as he was sure she was inside and _not_ watching him from a window, he headed straight for the Secret Place. Anger and adrenaline pushed him forward; blood pounded in his ears; his vision was tinted with pink as he tried not to slip away into irrepressible anger.

He didn't bother to be quiet as he shoved vines and plants out of his way, edging hurriedly along the pathway that led to the gut of the cave. He stood at the mouth of the inner entrance, hands clenched at his sides, blue eyes narrowed, and lips clamped together as he fought the sudden urge to curse violently and attack his best friend.

Riku didn't look surprised to see him. He was leaning against a far wall of the cave, his gaze having met Sora's the moment the smaller youth came into view.

Finally, Sora managed to keep his greeting to calm, "I'm glad you're still up." Well, calm in comparison to his emotions inside. His voice came out hot and gritty, through almost clenched teeth.

The silver-haired teen shrugged, his tone infuriatingly mild in comparison to Sora's. "I figured you'd want to talk."

"Yeah, _and_ bash your face in, you son of a bitch!"

Riku smirked.

Snarling, Sora lunged forward, hands grabbing twin fistfuls of his friend's shirt. "Why the hell did you have to go and beat Tidus like that?! He didn't do anything to you!"

"It was a real popper."

Sora paled, then raged. "_Damn_ you!" he swore, knocking Riku hard into the stone wall.

Riku wasn't happy to be shoved so hard, and it was likely the jagged feel of childish hieroglyphs irritated him. He shoved Sora back, wrestling him to the ground. Both hissed a fiery storm of curses, inevitably ending with Riku pinning his friend's wrists to the ground beside the brunette's head.

"You think it's just me?" he growled. "Just _my_ fault? Don't fuck with me, Sora!"

"Bastard!" Sora struggled violently, but to his utter dismay Riku was still quite a bit stronger than him. It only furthered him anger. "You're the one who beat one of our _friends_ and then called it a popper! What the hell was so fun about beating someone weaker than you to a bloody pulp?!"

"Who was the one that _completely_ snubbed me this morning?" Riku demanded hotly.

"What the _hell_ does that have to do with anything?"

"You're such a fucking _idiot_!"

Sora winced as Riku's knee knocked his right thigh; it was hard enough to bruise, and a dull plain flared where the sensitive nerves were located. He felt his face flush when Riku maneuvered to pin him in a more embarrassing position -- straddling one leg, his leg pressed dangerously close to the brunette's groin, leaning in closer so that Sora could easily hear and feel his erratic breathing, the warmth of his breath -- and he struggled momentarily before Riku's knee actually pressed _into_ his groin, and he stopped moving, humiliated and furious.

Riku's eyes were hard; cold. "How long have we been friends, Sora?"

Sora shifted, winced as Riku jabbed him harshly, and then glared. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Just answer the damn question!"

"I don't know! Thirteen or fourteen years, I guess."

"Over ten years," Riku hissed. "Over _ten goddamn years_ and you still know nothing!"

"Look, if you're not going to tell me what the hell's going on--" Sora was furious; he normally didn't swear this much, but Riku was really grating on his nerves.

Riku cursed violently, the words _stupid_ and _goddamned idiot_ mixed in with them. Sora had the oddest sense of dread, and was barely able to realize what was going on before he found himself being engaged in a violent, forceful kiss. His mind went suddenly and completely blank; it didn't seem to realize this was his best friend, his lifelong companion, his somewhat rival pinning him to the floor in a suggestive position, kissing him with unleashed passion and love and anger all rolled into one action.

He didn't think. He just let it happen. Sora didn't know what else to do.

Riku broke free, looking both angry with himself and with his friend. He jerked away, moving stiffly, almost scrambling to put distance between his body and Sora's. "Shit," he whispered, glaring at Sora almost accusingly. "_Shit._"

Sora shook his head, somewhat dazed, oddly calm; he didn't feel as though his body was his own at the moment. It was almost as if he were watching a movie; he was a viewer, not a participant. "Same to you," he found his voice saying, though it sounded far away.

But a couple things were starting to make sense. It made more sense that Riku was jealous at the attention Sora fairly lavished upon Kairi in the way of an envious young teenager in love, and not just a best friend. And perhaps Kairi knew, and if so, it _really_ made sense as to why she didn't want Riku to know about their relationship. She didn't want him to go into a jealous rage, like he had today.

_Oh, God. Poor Tidus._ Sora then began to feel something; shock. Inadvertently, it _was_ his fault. His neglect had pushed Riku into a fit of anger. He'd realized it earlier, but only now admitted it to himself.

It didn't make what his friend did right, but it did help him see more of the reasons behind it.

Riku was sitting on the ground, staring at the floor, then at the ceiling. The silence stretched on and on, until he finally said, "You can just pretend that never happened if you want... it doesn't matter..."

Sora blinked. Though he couldn't see his friend's eyes, there was an odd edge to Riku's voice. Almost as though he wanted to cry...

The brunette stared, fascinated by the sudden change in attitude, by Riku's sudden exposure to his weakness; his tender spot. It was small, but very crippling. A part of him felt stupid for overlooking such a huge part of his friend's personality. Maybe Tidus was right, maybe he _was_ spending too much time with Kairi lately...

"Don't worry about it. It's best friends forever, right?"

The other boy's eyes narrowed in suspicion with the faintest trace of fear; Sora hardly recognized the latter emotion. But his tense posture relaxed at Sora's maddeningly calm words. "Right," Riku said, regaining his dignity. "Forever."

Sora smiled, a bit oddly. "And besides, it was just a kiss. No biggie, right?"

Riku didn't answer.

"Right?"

"If you say so."

The reply was short and stiff; Sora was now certain this wasn't just a crush. More like infatuation, maybe love, possibly borderline obsession.

"Riku... what about Kairi? She's your friend too, right?"

The older youth's pale eyes flashed. "You're my only friend."

Sora stared. "But--"

"I'll put up with her because she's your _friend_," Riku spat, painting a very clear, very real picture of his impression of Kairi. Sora stared, unable to comprehend. How long had this been going on? Riku and Kairi hadn't been on tense terms, they'd secretly _hated_ each other.

Sora shook his head, trying to gather his thoughts. "Is that why Kairi's accusing you of being the murderer?"

"Is she, now?" Riku asked softly, eyes glinting.

"Riku..."

"I wouldn't hurt her. Not as long as you like her."

"You hurt Tidus; I like him."

"But you don't _love_ him." Riku sneered. At Sora's expression, he added, "Don't look so shocked; I knew you were going out long before you two even started."

"What?" Sora sputtered, baffled.

Riku scowled. "I mean that I saw you two making puppy eyes at each other since day one. It's sickening." Then he smiled, alarmingly at ease. "But you'll get over it. It's just hormones."

Sora looked away, shaken and doubtful. But he had the dreadful feeling that if he spoke against his friend, he'd live to regret it. For the first time he had seen how far Riku could go when provoked, and he knew he should have been scared... but he wasn't. Shaken, but not scared. For some reason, he just couldn't be, not even after seeing what Riku had done to his supposed friend.

Sora absently licked his lips, completely unaware of what he was doing and completely confused by Riku's sudden, strange smile.


	5. Chapter Four: Out of Control

**:: Lose Yourself ::**

_Kingdom Hearts_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts; rights go to Squaresoft and Disney. The plot is somewhat based off the book called _The Voice in the Night_ by Dean Koontz.

Rating: R

Pairings: Riku+Sora, Sora/Kairi, Riku/Sora

Warnings: AU, suspense, horror, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, language, multiple freaky things

Notes: And this is where things start to get really bad. There's a _lot of violent descriptions in this chapter, emotional turmoil, and mass confusion. Isn't it lovely?_

More yaoi/shounen ai-ness. Hope it's to your liking. And in case anyone's interested, Muse-chan helped me write my most smutty yaoi-fic the day before I finished this chapter, using the actual characters from the book that inspired this fic. Roy/Colin, and can be found at Adult Fanfiction.net (under a different address; FFN won't let me post it) under BooksMisc_Taking Over Me under my other author name, Illianaka. Recently I added a second one entitled _Crimson Concrete_ for the curious. ^^;;_

Whew! Okay, I'm done promoting. Have fun and, as always, criticism/feedback is most welcome. ^_^

_Chapter Four_

_Out of Control_

Night had long since fallen, and neither boy had moved an inch for over an hour. Both were silent, unspeaking. Sora had no idea what was going through his friend's head, but his thoughts were so cluttered and confused that his mind was more of a blank space than a haven for his thoughts. Sora felt numb, yet at the same time more alive than he'd ever been before, tingling with awareness. He was lost and stumbling, not understanding anything. Even simple things seemed so puzzling now.

Without a word, he and Riku stood simultaneously. Neither spoke to the other as they left the Secret Place, walking quietly along the beach until they reached the point where they would split up to go home. Sora turned to go, but Riku was speaking.

"Tomorrow... I don't know when, but sometime tomorrow... I need to tell you something."

Sora didn't turn. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. The secret."

Now he did, but just enough to glance at the older teen. "You trust me?"

"Yes."

Sora didn't give it any thought, though he sure as hell would later that night as he lay awake on his bed, staring at the ceiling, numbly thinking about the recent and bizarre events. "Okay."

"Later, then."

"Okay," he repeated.

Riku left him alone, standing and staring at the silver-haired boy's back as he retreated. A gentle breeze ruffled Sora's already mussed hair. His back, he suddenly realized, was covered with dirt. He was scratched and had a couple bruises from when he and Riku had fought. He was a bit of a mess, but remembering Tidus' earlier injuries, he decided he was perfectly fine.

_God, what a day,_ he thought as he tiredly fished out the spare key and let himself inside.

"Sora, where in the _world_ have you been?"

He sighed heavily, rubbing at his eyes as his mother's sharp, worried tone carried over. He wasn't in the mood to argue, so took his scolding silently, not bothering to tell her he'd been with Riku. He couldn't care less.

Once she was sure he was safe and unharmed -- likely, she'd heard about what had happened to Tidus, though no one but Sora, Kairi, Riku, and Tidus himself knew who had hurt him so badly -- Sora's mother gave him a light pat on his cheek, told him to wash up, and sent him to his room. His feet felt like lead; Sora wondered why he was so tired.

So tired.

Sora groaned and fell on his bed, his face still smudged with dirt, still in his clothes. He was too tired to care, too numb to move, and yet too tense to sleep.

_Damn it._

Riku was crazy. Damned crazy.

Sora was furious with himself. He hadn't made Riku pay, as he'd promised Tidus. Instead, Riku had twisted _his_ view around, skewing things beyond recognition.

He didn't think he'd be able to sleep, so didn't even try. He was up into the late hours, and his eyes didn't close until the first ray of sun shone through his window.

Elsewhere, heard only by one pair of ears, a sharp scream echoed through the dewy morning.

It was perfect. Utterly perfect.

The sun was warm. The tides did their ritual rush of in and out. Kids were laughing and playing. Even Tidus was out, enjoying the sun. By his attitude, you wouldn't have guessed that he had been severely injured just the other day. Only his bruises and cast let people know. But nobody asked questions.

It was perfect. Completely perfect.

There was a light breeze, ruffling his dark brown hair, cooling the thin sheet of sweat on tanned skin. Laughter met unhearing ears; people waved to unseeing eyes. The sky was bright. A few clouds were spread out, but thin and passing quickly. No chance of rain.

It was perfect. Painfully perfect.

It should have rained blood.

Sora sat on the dock, unusually brooding. His eyes were dimmer than usual; distanced. He didn't respond to the creaky wood, threatening to embed splinters in his hands. He didn't wave back to those that waved to him. He was deep in thought, yet he couldn't tell what he was thinking. Sora felt as though he were falling into a deep, endless abyss, never to wake.

Kairi jolted him from his thoughts.

"Sora, I can't find them."

It took a few moments for the words to register, and there was only mild confusion on the boy's face as he leaned back, peering up at her. She blinked down at him, somewhat troubled, the sun blocked by her head as she gazed down at him. Her features were thrown into shadow.

Sora tilted his head slightly, his voice strangely quiet. "Can't find what?"

Kairi moved to sit beside him, dangling her legs over the side of the dock. Sora followed her movements with a blank gaze, not seeming to be observing her, but his mind was filing away every movement, every little thing she said or did. He had a lot to think about, and his feelings for her was one of the more important considerations.

Sora didn't like it. His peaceful world had been severely shaken in the past twenty-four hours.

"You remember those pens Grandma got for me, the ones with my initials on them? I can't find them."

Sora vaguely remembered that Kairi occasionally liked to write poetry. In all honesty she wasn't that good, but he'd always humored her and told her otherwise. All girls seemed to like doing it at some point or another. She had written a few for him, all of which had been very sweet and sappy, though not carrying the same elegant flow that _true_ poetry possessed. And always, _always_, she wrote them with her favourite pens.

"Don't you have three?" Sora asked.

She nodded, looking disconcerted. "That's why I'm worried. I lost one, and the other two just suddenly... disappeared."

Sora smiled wryly. "Are you going to try to convince me Riku's a thief as well as a killer?"

"That's not funny. No."

Sora nodded, gazing out toward the ocean again. His eyes didn't capture the beauty of the sparkling, clean water. "So you've given up, then?"

"No. I just don't think Riku has any reasons to steal my _pens._"

Sora smiled faintly at the thought; Kairi's pens were pink, with her initials in gold, curvy script. Like _hell_ Riku would want them.

He stood, brushing off his pants. "No, I haven't seen them," he said coolly, walking away. "And," he added, pausing to glance back at her, "I doubt it'd do any good looking for them."

She blinked. "Why do you say that?"

"Because it sounds like _someone_ stole them." Though Sora, for the life of him, couldn't figure out why they'd want to do that.

Kairi frowned, her gaze piercing and searching. "Sora? Are you all right?"

He wasn't. He really wasn't. But Sora said nothing and walked on.

It seemed that just then Riku was running toward him, calling out to him. He drew the attention of everyone around (Sora noticed Tidus pale and abruptly turn in the other direction) but the silver-haired youth's attention was solely on Sora. The skinnier boy decided to return that favour.

"Hi, Riku."

Riku grabbed his arm, squeezing harshly. "You've got to come. Now." His voice was excited, his breath heavy, his words fast and strung together in a rushed fashion. Sora blinked, noticing his friend's flushed face, his wild eyes, and his huge grin. He looked completely psychotic. For some reason, Sora wasn't disturbed, though others clearly were.

"Why?" he finally asked, choosing that question from the tumble of several.

"It's the secret! Come on!" Without waiting for a reply Riku was pulling him, almost dragging him toward the Secret Place. Sora quickly fell into step, jogging to keep up with the other boy's abnormally fast pace. This sounded like something big, something important.

Sora stumbled over a rock. He quickly regained his balance. "Riku, why are you so excited?"

"It was such a popper! A real popper, Sora!"

Sora sighed heavily.

He accidentally hit his head on his way into the Secret Place. He hissed in pain, hand clamped to the sore spot on his head. "Damnit..."

Riku paused and looked over his shoulder. Sora half expected him to call him a baby, as he would have done any other day, but the other night's incident made him bolder than that.

"Let me see."

A moment later Sora was staring at the ground, his face surprisingly emotionless as Riku's gloved fingers sifted gently through his hair. They grazed the sore spot, and Sora only winced slightly. When Riku was done, he leaned so close that Sora could smell mint gum on his breath. "You should be more careful."

Sora stared back, face a mask devoid of emotion.

Riku smirked faintly. "Like I said last night, your relationship with Kairi is based only on hormones. You'll get over it."

"You think so." The words were flat, but Riku didn't seem to notice. If he did, he didn't care... but that couldn't be right. His aqua eyes gleamed oddly, looking amused.

"Trust me," he said. Sora almost blinked, and for a brief instant he thought the boy was going to kiss him again, but Riku surprised him by pulling away and trekking the rest of the way into the cave.

Sora was oddly disappointed. Musing over this, he followed his friend.

Riku was already removing the stone where he normally hid the candles. Sora watched, wondering if he was going to start the ritual early, but Riku surprised him a second time when he pulled out paper instead of candles.

"Look," he said excitedly, almost breathless. He shoved the papers into Sora's hands. Sora looked.

Not paper. Photographs.

Of blood.

And a dead body.

"I killed him. Isn't it a popper, Sora? I killed him!"

Sora couldn't answer. He was held by mute horror and fascination. His eyes were locked on the gruesome images as he sorted through the photos. He couldn't tear himself away, held by a deep-set, sick, twisted fascination.

One picture showed a torso. The clothes were black and red. Blood was splattered all over the place; it looked as though the victim's stomach had been sliced open with something sharp and clean. The chest was flat, so it was either a young teenage boy or a tall little girl. Riku had said it was a guy, though, and Sora believed him. There were some guys pretty enough to be girls, and this boy looked like he had been one of them. Long, dark hair was spread about, also stained and streaked with crimson.

The next picture showed a forearm and hand. Something pink and gold protruded from the wrist. There wasn't nearly as much blood, and what there was were just trickles from the wound, but it was a powerful and rocking image. The third picture was of the other hand, only this time the object had been forced in at an angle, ripping more skin and leaving a dark blue line on pale flesh.

Another picture showed the face. Sora could make out a mouth, a white material in that mouth, crimson and wet; part of a nose, and a bloody, messy head above that. Gray and red stained a sidewalk; brains and blood had exploded. The scalp was torn; there were pieces of skin with long, thick, black hair attached in once-beautiful locks.

Sora should have felt sick, but he felt nothing.

"What...?" he finally managed to ask, his voice croaking.

Riku was grinning. "Isn't it a popper? I got him last night, about an hour after we split up. Christ, it was great!"

"How?" Sora asked thickly, still unable to take his eyes off the pictures. There were more pictures from different angles, showing spilled intestines, ripped flesh and muscle, torn tendons, even a few fingertips that showed the victim's nails had been ripped out cruelly and messily. Blood was everywhere. Sora felt as though he were drowning in the images.

Riku clearly couldn't contain his excitement. "Well, when you and Kairi were at the hospital, watching over that poor bastard, I snuck into her room and stole her pens. I knew it'd be great. Was she looking for them?"

"Yeah..."

Riku grinned, his teeth flashing and giving him an almost demonic look. He was definitely crazed. Sora's mute fascination switched from the pictures to his best friend. "An hour after we split up, I went into town. I saw this guy heading toward the hospital, nabbed him, and killed him."

Sora shook his head. This was all too surreal. "But how did--?"

"I'm getting to that," Riku said impatiently. "I jammed the pens into his wrists first. He screamed something horrible, and I realized I had to gag him after that. So I easily wrestled him to the ground. I used his own sock to shut him up."

Sora glanced at a picture; it was true. The white material was a sock.

"Go on."

"After I muffled his screams, I shoved one of the penned hands into a crack in the sidewalk to hold him still. His eyes were wild, so frightened!" Riku's eyes flashed; his hand was reaching into his pocket. Sora watched him pull out a pocketknife; shiny and gleaming, as though just recently cleaned. "And then," he added, his voice growing lower and even more rapid, "I sliced him open, from his ribs to his cock. If I hadn't gagged him, he would have woken the whole goddamn town! I had to shove the sock back into his mouth after he almost spat it out from that scream."

Sora shuddered.

"His insides spilled all over the place. It was beautiful." Riku pressed closer to Sora, backing him into a wall, his breath hot and eyes wide and crazed and excited. Sora was entranced. "I let him freak out for a few minutes. When his death was too slow and started to bore me, I slashed at his heart. I blew his fucking brains out just to be sure."

Just to be sure? After he'd cut the boy's heart out?

"You knew him," Riku breathed into the silence. "Vincent Valentine. Remember him?"

Sora did, but only vaguely. Vincent had attended the same elementary school as Riku and Sora. He'd been a beautiful boy, but strangely solemn and quiet. He didn't associate much with outsiders, though there had been one girl -- Lucrezia, Sora believed -- he'd adored, much as Sora had believed to adore Kairi.

Riku was a killer. Kairi had been right. Sora imagined he was choking on air, overwhelmed. First yesterday, now this... what was next?

There was only an inch, maybe two, between their faces. Sora felt a cold, metallic touch on his arm. Riku's gloved hand replaced it, running his fingers over Sora's arm until he touched his hand, taking the smaller boy's palm and turning it up.

"Let's perform the ritual now," he whispered. "Without Kairi. Just us. So she can't stop us. We'll have great adventures, Sora, you'll see. You promised never to tell if I had a horrible secret, right?"

In not so many words, he had. Sora nodded numbly.

Riku grinned, eyes lowering as he pressed the sharp blade into Sora's hand. There was a flash of pain, but it was brief. Sora, too, watch his blood flow from his body.

Riku pulled him over to the circle, holding his hand over the center and squeezing to free more blood faster. Both boys were silent, breathing raggedly. The air felt thick and hot, and Sora's heart was pounding wildly in his chest. His face was hot, despite the blood flowing from his hand. His skin tingled.

The silver-haired boy finally stopped, wrapping a clean, white piece of cloth around Sora's wound. As soon as that had been taken care of, Riku grabbed the half-empty container of lighter fluid and drenched the circle. He grabbed a match, lit it, and tossed it to the ground.

Flames erupted.

Riku turned to Sora, that strange smile on his face again. "Was I right?"

Sora blinked, looking at his bandaged hand. Riku grabbed it, making him hiss sharply as the cut was aggravated. "What?"

"Was I right?" the wild-eyed boy repeated. "Do you really love Kairi, or can you get over her soon?"

Sora stared at him, blinking, unsure of what to say.

Riku didn't wait for a reason, an excuse, or an explanation. He kissed Sora, surprisingly gentle, but firm. His hand left Sora's to tangle in the brunette's hair; the kiss became fiercer. Sora didn't respond, but he didn't fight, either. His eyes were open and blank, staring at his friend.

This was too strange. Way too strange.

Riku broke the kiss, but only to whisper a few more words. They sounded as though they were used more for reassurance to himself than to Sora. His exhalations were warm over Sora's face.

"I was right. You can get over her easily. Just a little longer. Just a bit more time. Just one more week."

Sora's eyes finally closed. He couldn't bring himself to feel violated as Riku kissed him a second time, then a third, a fourth... instead, he was empty. Just blankness; without thought or feelings. Later they would overwhelm him to the point of tears, but until then they were tucked aside, made to observe rather than act.

"One more week, Sora..."

He was dazed.

Sora leaned against the wall of the Secret Place, his mind swimming in confusion and his eyes swimming in tears as he silently cried, his head buried in his arms.

It was crazy. So completely crazy.

Riku had left, though not after meticulously hiding the photographs. He had wanted Sora to come with him, but Sora needed to think. To keep himself entertained, he fed the fire. The reality of everything suddenly crashed into him, and he'd collapsed to the ground, dirtying his knees as he fell. Tears that had been choked back for hours, possibly a day by now, fell without abandon. He felt young and stupid and weak and scared.

"Sora?" A scuffle of feet. He didn't move, wasn't alarmed, because the feminine voice didn't belong to Kairi. It belonged to Selphie.

"What happened to your _hand_?" the brown-haired girl asked, startled by the sudden sight of blood.

Sora glanced down. "It's nothing. Riku fixed it up."

Riku...

Selphie tilted her head to the side. "You've been in here for hours. Kairi wanted to come in, but she thought you'd yell at her or something."

"Mm."

"Would you?"

Sora shrugged.

Selphie sighed, a long, heavy sound. She was used to the dramatic sighs that heaved her tiny little chest; she used them quite often, normally for dramatic moments. "In any case, she seems really upset. Please talk to her? I'm worried."

_You would be,_ thought Sora. But he shrugged noncommittally, standing up and walking out without another word.

Riku. Riku was a killer. Riku killed Vincent, beat up Tidus, and _hated_ Kairi... and loved him. Was _in_ love with him.

_God,_ thought Sora weakly, tiredly. _I don't have the strength for this. Not now..._

"Sora?"

He stared blankly as Kairi moved toward him, though her steps were hesitant. She looked worried, nervous... scared. Was she scared of him? Sora had half a mind to admit she was right, that Riku was a killer, but he'd promised... he couldn't say anything.

She put a hand to his forehead. "Sora... are you okay?"

"Just hot," he said, his voice coming out weak.

"Selphie and I smelled smoke from the Secret Place."

Sora didn't answer.

She opened her mouth to say something else, but then took notice of his hand. Kairi blinked, her blue eyes displaying disbelief; that this hadn't happened, her boyfriend's hand wasn't wrapped in a white cloth and stained with blood.

"Sora," she quavered. "What happened to your hand?"

The brunette tilted his head slightly, bringing his hand up to look at it. Blood. Blood like the blood that had stained Vincent's mutilated body, blood he knew was real, and that Riku had really killed Vincent, and that Vincent was dead, and that though he'd hardly ever talked to the boy, rarely saw him, he'd never get the _chance_ to now. Vincent could have made so many friends; _should_ have made so many with his good looks, drawn girls with his pretty, solemn eyes, found someone safe and secure and caring and not a crazy, homicidal maniac...

"Riku just wanted to do the ritual early," Sora found himself saying, lying through his teeth about what came next. "He knew blood sickened you, and he didn't want you to have to see it until you absolutely had to... so..."

Kairi looked away, her mouth covering her hand, tears shining in her eyes. She inhaled shakily, unable to stop the tears from coursing down her face. "Sora, we've got to stop. This is stupid. No ritual can help. Riku's lying."

Sora shrugged.

"Sora, _please_..."

"But Riku wouldn't hurt me," he murmured aloud, glancing down at his bandaged hand again. "I'm fine."

"God, Sora..."

He stared at her. "Kairi... did you ever find your pens?"

She frowned. "No... I gave up. It seemed stupid, and Grandma said she could always buy me new ones... why?"

"That's good." A fine trembling started to shake Sora's body. His knees felt weak. "I don't think... you'd want to..." he stammered. But he was unable to finish.

He felt horribly, violently sick.

Sora ran, turned and ran from her, straight toward the dock. The hot wood beneath his feet should have been unbearable, but he hardly noticed it. His knees gave out and he heaved over the side, violent, sick. He knew anyone that saw him would be staring, horrified, worried, wondering. He didn't care.

Warm hands were on his back, soothing, rubbing him through his clothes gently. No words were spoken, and he was utterly happy for it. When he finished he wiped his mouth, the bitter taste on his tongue and in the back of his throat, disgusting...

"I understand," Riku was whispering for his ears only. "It was too soon, too sudden. I've put too much on you at once. I'm sorry. But it'll be okay. You'll be fine. Pull through for me, Sora."

Sora felt boneless. He still felt sick, but there was nothing left in his stomach to reject.

"Shh," Riku whispered, and Sora realized he had begun to cry. Fear and desperation and need for comfort overwhelmed him. Even if that comfort was coming from the person that had caused his unhappiness in the first place, he didn't care. Sora needed it that badly.

He leaned into Riku, sobbing quietly. At the moment his best friend didn't seem at all like a crazed killer. He was quiet and soothing, understanding in his own twisted way.

Sora was on a wild ride, the kind that twisted and turned and made you scream and scream and scream until your voice was hoarse and no one could understand why you were screaming anymore. And the few that did would look at him solemnly, but inside they were smiling, grinning, enjoying his weakness and preying on it like hungry beasts, devouring his soul. In the end he would be broken, as battered and broken as Tidus, no, as Vincent, bloody and without a heart or mind or life. And the scariest thing of all was that even if Sora could have stopped it, a part of him didn't want to. A part of him enjoyed the thrill of terror that everything brought along.

His fingers tightened in Riku's shirt, and he continued to sob.


	6. Chapter Five: Normal Illusions

**:: Lose Yourself ::**

_Kingdom Hearts_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts; rights go to Squaresoft and Disney. The plot is somewhat based off the book called _The Voice in the Night_ by Dean Koontz.

Rating: R

Pairings: Riku+Sora, Sora/Kairi, Riku/Sora

Warnings: AU, suspense, horror, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, language, multiple freaky things

Notes: The chapter's shorter than the others by a page or so, but it's mostly filler and smut anyway, so it shouldn't matter too much, right? ^^; Yeah… that's right…

Anyway, there is a bit of lime here—just a bit. Nothing to run away screaming about, unless you're against yaoi. But then, hopefully, you wouldn't be reading this, right? Right. For anyone interested, the lemon version should be available at Adult Fanfiction.net within the week, hopefully. There's also much mental torment. Very shiny, and especially dedicated to the reviewers. I'm surprised so many people like this, and even those that don't like the blood and mutilation still seem to be reading it. XD VERY shiny. Have fun.

_Chapter Five_

_Normal Illusions_

He had a headache that morning.

Sora lay on his bed, one hand running through sleep-mussed hair. He was exhausted, feeling as though he'd gotten no sleep, though he was sure he'd slept for nearly ten hours.

The sheets were hot, clinging to his skin, damp with sweat. He kicked them off and stumbled out of bed, his white t-shirt and dark boxers rumpled. A yawn escaped his mouth. He was somewhat content; he didn't feel sick. He deliberately turned his mind away from anything that had to do with blood and murder... and Riku.

He glanced at his bedside clock, stifling another yawn. It was already noon. He'd been up late, unable to sleep, trembling, out of tears to cry, tense.

Sora made his way through the mess of clothes and junk in his room, not seeing it, barely feeling the pain when he tripped over an old model.

He made his way down the stairs, his footsteps soft. The television was blaring; he cringed, putting a hand to his head. They generally didn't get good reception, but they rarely used the television, anyway. His mother had mostly gotten it to keep up with the current news.

Sora paused in the doorway of the living room, staring at his mother blankly. Her eyes were glued to the screen, her lips tight, eyes narrowed and worried. She was a hardworking woman, working to support them both. His father had died in a car accident so long ago that Sora couldn't remember life before it. There were pictures of the man scattered throughout the house, and his mother refused to remarry. She'd done a decent job raising him, considering the situation.

The boy's eyes followed her blue gaze -- the same blue gaze as his own -- to the screen. There was a reporter, policemen, loud shouting, and general chaos.

Sora's stomach churned to life.

The reporter was a young woman; she looked the role of her job, with a serious expression, tapered eyebrows, brown hair in a short, no-nonsense cut, her brown eyes serious and portraying nothing but professional regret. It seemed odd, even to Sora.

She was speaking to a nearby policeman. Behind them there was yellow tape blocking off an area that looked vaguely familiar to Sora. Then he remembered what Riku had said, and knew where the location was: behind the hospital.

"Does this look to be the same work as the serial killer?" There was, of course, no need for her to specify. The policeman understood, though he was silent for a tense moment, scratching his graying moustache.

"Well, we aren't certain," he said heavily; he had a deep, gruff voice, fitting for his burly image. Sora's hand gripped the doorframe until his knuckles were white; his breathing was growing rapidly shallow. "It looks to be the same act of cruelty, but we have evidence to go by."

Of course, he didn't reveal what that evidence was, but Sora knew.

Pink and gold pens, shiny and gleaming like new, splattered with blood.

He felt sick. Sora scrambled from the room, startling his mother; she hadn't noticed him there. He heard her calling after him, but her voice was dim and distant. He tripped into the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before he began to retch. He hadn't had breakfast, so there wasn't much. But it was enough. His eyes were hot and prickling.

"Sora?" His mother was at his side, her arms around him, cradling him. Sora felt like a baby, but he found he didn't mind. He turned into her embrace, crying tears he hadn't been able to free before. It wasn't much, but it drained him.

She was silent for a long while, just sitting there and rocking her fifteen-year-old sun back and forth. At last, when he had calmed down, she fetched a wet towel and cleaned his face.

"Sora," she said again, only this time her voice held a note of firmness. "I don't want you going outside today. Is that all right, honey?"

Even if he hadn't agreed she would have enforced it, but Sora was actually relieved. He nodded weakly, leaning against the wall and pulling his legs to his chest, cradling his head on his knees.

"Poor baby," she said sympathetically, stroking his hair. "That was one of your classmates, wasn't it?"

She was assuming he had heard it all, that he'd been standing in the doorway a lot longer than he really had been. Sora didn't dare say otherwise, so he nodded his silent lie.

"Poor baby," she repeated. After another few tense minutes she stood. "Why don't you take a shower and I'll make you a light breakfast?"

Sora wasn't hungry, but he knew she'd feel better if he ate something. "Sure," he whispered hoarsely.

She smiled and patted his cheek with one gently wrinkling hand. "That's my boy."

Sora didn't move for a long while, just sitting on the floor of the bathroom, his back against the tiles of the wall. He raised a trembling hand, wiping his damp face. "Oh, God," he whispered at last, closing his eyes. "Shit."

Finally he picked himself up and took a quick shower. Sora didn't bother to put on clothes, just another pair of boxers and a red t-shirt before he brushed his teeth and went back downstairs. The television had been turned off; his mother was in the kitchen, humming to herself, likely to keep her mind off the recent news. For some reason this irritated Sora, but he bit his tongue and went to the refrigerator and grabbed a container of orange juice.

His mother stopped him. "Honey, go ahead and put that back. I'll make you a fresh drink this morning."

Sora frowned faintly. "Don't you have to work?" Normally she didn't leave until midday and then worked an eight-hour shift at a department store in town. Before, when a recent murder had occurred, she had let him outside but made him come home by seven. She called to make sure, and if he was late or didn't answer he would have been grounded for a day.

"Oh, no, not today. I can't leave the house when..." Her voice trailed off, the unfinished sentence not needing to be finished. Even so, Sora felt anxious not hearing the last of her thought.

"Oh," he finally said.

Someone knocked sharply on the front door.

Sora's mother jumped then looked guilty. Guilty of being high-strung. Sora didn't know why she thought she would protect him from the murderer, but then _she_ didn't carry the knowledge of who it was. She went to answer the door when Sora did nothing. He cringed when he heard who it was.

"Riku! What are you going outside?" he heard his mother asking from the next room. It was likely she was shooing him inside, for the door closed a bare second later, but she was still talking to the currently unseen boy. "It's dangerous to run around outside with a killer on the loose!"

Sora could have died from the irony.

He could hear Riku respond seconds before the silver-haired youth crossed the threshold of the kitchen. "But my parents aren't home. I was alone, and no one was outside; Kairi wasn't home, either..."

"Where on earth would she be?"

Riku shrugged, then turned to Sora, grinning. "Morning. You look awful."

Despite himself, Sora couldn't help but smile. It was a normal greeting when Riku saw him first thing in the morning, fresh out of bed.

"Where are your parents?"

Riku shrugged again, not taking his eyes off Sora. He appeared to be contemplating something; his bright eyes flashed momentarily. But his expression betrayed nothing to Sora's mom. "Business, I guess. They won't be back till morning."

Motherly protection stepped in, and Sora was amazed at the irony that kept building. "I can't let you go home tonight," his mother was saying firmly. "It's too dangerous. Why don't you stay the night?"

Riku gave her a hesitant smile, meant to charm. It worked well on adults, but Sora had never been fooled by it. He had liked to think he knew Riku better than anyone, and that was all too true now. "I was actually hoping you'd say that. Thanks."

"Did you have breakfast yet?"

"I'm not hungry, thanks."

Neither was Sora. He pushed himself away from the counter. "I'm not, either," he said, his gaze directed more at the floor than anywhere else. "Why don't you go to work, Mom?"

She hesitated.

"Riku's here. We'll be fine."

More hesitation.

"I don't want you to miss a day."

There was a long pause. Sora could feel Riku's eyes burning against his skin, boring holes into him, but right now he was only concerned about his mother. He wanted her to get out of the house, fast. He had to make sure Riku wouldn't hurt her.

Finally, she agreed. "All right. I'll be calling you two later tonight. Stay inside, do you hear me?"

"Yes." Sora was normally an obedient child; she knew he would listen. He had no intention of leaving... that is unless he had to, like stop Riku from killing another person in a crazed rage.

He dimly realized there was more danger to himself than his mother, but he chose to ignore that.

Sora finally glanced up just as his mother swept from the room to hurriedly get ready for work. Riku was staring at him, his expression unreadable. His eyes showed nothing, and the tiny smile tugging at his lips was strange and looked vaguely amused.

"You realized you've trapped yourself."

Sora stared at him blankly.

Riku fell silent with eerie timing; Sora's mother returned at that moment. She planted a kiss on his forehead, despite his protests, reminded them to stay inside, and left. It all happened in an instant and everything after that seemed tilted and unbalanced. Sora swayed dizzily on his feet, and Riku was holding him upright, one arm around him, his hand tightly gripping Sora's arm.

"Why did you make her leave?" he asked.

Sora glanced down at his arm. "Riku... you're hurting me."

The pressure was instantly assuaged; it was clear. Riku would never hurt him, not intentionally. It was frightening, because Sora doubted the boy was mentally stable.

Then again, he very much doubted he was any better off.

Riku pushed him against the counter, his eyes burning, but his touch gentle. His hands glided over his friend's arms, sliding down gently, alarmingly soothing. Sora felt himself relaxing against his will. "I won't kill anyone," Riku was saying. "Not so soon. That'd be stupid. Besides, I have the perfect plan for next time. It has to wait."

"I wish you wouldn't."

"You'll think otherwise by then."

"Please, don't."

Riku shook his head, leaning forward until silver bangs brushed Sora's eyebrows. The smaller boy was transfixed, in awe of how sane, how calm, how _normal_ Riku appeared, despite his knowing his best friend killed for fun. A popper, he'd called it, when he'd shown Sora the pictures of Vincent and his bloody, mutilated body...

Sora cringed as he heard the other boy speak. "You heard the reports, right?"

"Minimal," the brunette replied stiffly, aware that Riku had more intention than just talking and hanging out today. No, he'd come over for another reason, and Sora was almost dead sure of what it was... and equally sure that he wouldn't stop it. Not to say that he couldn't, but Riku would inevitably win... Sora figured he should just give in before it got painful and messy. Not that it wouldn't anyway, but there would be less pain and a hell of a lot less blood.

Aqua eyes sparked wickedly. "His mother was sick in the hospital. He'd gone to get her a present, something nice; flowers. But I got to him first. And nobody saw me."

"Congratulations."

Riku laughed. "You see? That's why I like you. You're quick." His eyes darkened briefly, and Sora tensed at the sheer emotion being unleashed upon him as their eyes locked. "And for so many other reasons, too," Riku said in a low voice, though no one else was around to hear them. Then he kissed Sora.

Sora allowed it, but didn't respond in kind. "Where _is_ Kairi?" he asked when he could breathe, though he was feeling weak from the lack of food and the ever-present nausea that refused to leave him even as his body reacted to Riku's slow manipulations.

"Probably being interviewed by the police," Riku murmured against his lips, kissing him a second time, though briefly. His lips traveled down to Sora's throat. He met no resistance, but received no response, either.

Sora's hands clenched at his sides. "Is she a suspect?"

"Likely," Riku breathed against his skin, his breath hot. He edged Sora's shirt up, and the brunette allowed him to pull it off. Still he didn't help, nor did he fight. It was best to keep Riku agreeable, but not so agreeable that he thought Sora was on his side, with him all the way. Riku wasn't satisfied here, though, and insistently shoved Sora until the small of his back met the counter. Riku tore his gloves off, his hands hot and eager, but also fascinated and slow and exploring as he graced the smaller youth's ribcage, causing Sora to shudder involuntarily.

Sora's hands curled around the edge of the counter. He clenched his teeth determinedly, trying to remember his next question. While he blindly groped for it, Riku was pulling down his boxers. A small gasp escaped the brunette's lips as he felt Riku's soft exhalations over his flesh; warm; teasing. He looked down, and Riku lifted his eyes to meet his gaze.

Once again, Sora couldn't find it within himself to push against the rough current that was his best friend. He nodded once, giving in and allowing himself to be carried away on a cloud of new sensations, forgetting that the hands touching him were stained with blood and guilty of more than a couple dozen murders.

It was only mid-afternoon. Only midday. The sun shone through his window, seeming to almost taunt him with its pure brightness. It was warm, uncomfortably so, but Sora couldn't bring himself to care about the weather. He turned from the window, staring across his room. It looked the same, exactly the same as always... but it wasn't.

Riku, beside him, was strangely silent; his gaze fixated out the very window Sora had turned away from.

Sora bit his lip, tangling his fingers in messy brown hair. He was frustrated and satiated, and that particular combination wasn't a good one.

Fixing his gaze on the model of a boat he'd tripped over that morning, Sora managed to whisper, "Why?"

"Why what?" asked Riku calmly. Sora didn't answer, and he felt the bed shift as Riku turned toward him. "Why do I care about you? Why do I want you with me? Why did I effectively seduce you?" Sora felt his face grow hot, but he kept his mouth clamped shut determinedly. "Or did you mean why do I kill people?" Riku went on relentlessly. "Why do I get perverse pleasure out of it?"

Sora shrugged.

Riku paused, seeming to be thinking, before he stated, "In that case, I'll answer most of those. I kill because it's a terrific popper." Sora shuddered faintly. "As for why I seduced you, why I want you with me, both go hand-in-hand with why I care about you."

"Shit," Sora whispered in response.

He couldn't see it, but he knew Riku was grinning. "You're the only person that would have put up with it, aren't you? We've been best friends since we were little children-- a _long_ time before Kairi came along," he reminded the brunette. His voice grew clipped and hard. "That's the way it always was, and the way it always should be. We shouldn't _need_ anyone else."

Riku's arm hooked around his waist, and Sora found himself in a simple, frighteningly possessive embrace. "Sora," the silver-haired youth murmured, "if you want out, tell me."

"Wouldn't you just kill me to keep me silent?" the blue-eyed boy muttered.

He could feel Riku shake his head, feel the slight twist of the older boy's shoulders as he did so. "Never you. Anyone else, yes, but _never_ you."

Sora bit his lip, cursing himself for being moved by the firmness, the certainty, the tinge of fondness and adoration in the other teen's voice.

He sighed, leaning back against Riku, fully aware that he was surrendering a second time. This time, however, was far more significant. Riku's hand was in his hair, stroking him gently, lovingly, and it was impossible to think he was a killer. It just didn't... fit.

"Shit," he repeated.

Riku grinned.

The rest of the day proceeded normally, once both boys had showered and dressed. Riku had immediately slipped into the act of pretending things were as they used to be, before he revealed himself to be a serial killer. Sora watched in mute fascination when he walked into the kitchen, surprised to see Riku rummaging through the fridge as though he lived there; just like always.

The only thing that reminded Sora of the recent events was Riku glancing up and smirking. "Most people get hungry after sex." Then he'd proceeded to make himself a sandwich, and Sora did the same. Riku liked simple ham and cheese, while Sora had more of a garden variety with ham, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes. Both ate their lunch in companionable silence, which was a bit unusual, but as soon as they had finished their late lunch and washed it down with milk, Riku was instantly on his feet.

"Let's go outside and practice," he said, grinning. "You have your wooden swords, right?"

Sora frowned. "But we promised Mom that we'd stay inside."

Riku waved a hand impatiently. "We'll be just outside the door, and if the phone rings, we can get to it quickly. Come _on_; we'll be bored stiff otherwise." Sora agreed, and that was how they spent the next two hours of their afternoon. Sora's mother did call once, but Riku had been correct in saying they would be able to get to it before she got suspicious. For that time it seemed as though they were ten years old again, dancing on the thrillingly dangerous line of disobeying a parent.

Sora found it easy to pretend that nothing was unusual. Riku made no references to killing or to his more-than-friendly affections toward Sora, and was very well-behaved, especially around Sora's mother. It was late when they went to bed, but even then they stayed up late into the early morning, whispering and snickering over trite little things.

_This_, thought Sora, _is normal._

The next day was when things began to slip, however.

First off, Sora found himself awakened by a kiss. Riku's eyes gleamed wickedly at him, and the sinking feeling returned to the pit of Sora's stomach. It was very chaste in comparison to others they had exchanged, but it was still a very painful reminder.

Then both boys managed to convince Sora's mother that they would be fine going outside today. It wasn't easy, but eventually it did work.

"I swear," Riku said solemnly, with a too-serious expression that even Sora's mother didn't buy, "that we'll come running back like frightened puppies at the first sign of trouble."

"_Please_, Mom. We'll be bored otherwise. We _will_ come back at the first sign of trouble," Sora put in, more seriously than Riku had.

She finally agreed, so long as Sora was back before sundown.

Wakka and Tidus had also returned to the beach, though Selphie was nowhere in sight. Her parents seemed to be the most over-protective of all. Sora wasn't sorry, really; he wasn't in the mood to put up with her romanticisms.

However, Kairi was there, and long before they were.

She turned when she heard them approaching, but her smile seemed strained when her eyes fell on Riku, who was surprisingly in a very good mood and greeted her quite amiably. Sora was suspicious, but he said little. His stomach churned when he glanced at Kairi. He felt horrible, like he'd betrayed her...

He winced. _Damnit__._

"Nice bathing suit," Riku teased, poking the redhead in her side. Kairi swatted his hand away, but laughed good-naturedly. Sora wondered how they could possibly put up such acts when both of them had either strong disliking or intense hate for the other. "But are you sure a scrawny girl like you belongs in a bikini?"

Kairi's face flushed at the highpoint of her cheekbones. "Shut up, Riku," she scolded, shoving him gently. He stumbled back a step, but had obviously allowed her to touch him. "Did you spend the night at Sora's?"

"Yeah. I noticed you weren't home yesterday."

Kairi flinched, looking frightened for a split second. But then she was smiling, but again it looked forced. "I was on the other side of the island. Busy."

Sora watched them converse, marveling at Riku's ability to put forth the act that nothing at all was wrong, that he didn't harbor any disliking for the redhead girl. In fact, to anyone that didn't know any better, he looked to be flirting with her. Sora couldn't bring himself to feel jealous; just guilty. He jumped every time Kairi addressed him, and hated himself for it. She was going to find out eventually, that he'd slept with Riku, and then...

God. He didn't know what.

"Sora?" Kairi finally asked, resting a hand on his forehead. He jumped slightly, glancing down at her. "Are you okay?"

Sora wasn't sure what to say, but the situation became even worse when Riku spoke to fill his silence.

"Sora, don't you have anything to say to your girlfriend?"

Kairi spun around, her blue eyes hardening. Her boyfriend -- Sora wasn't sure if he deserved to be called that anymore -- glanced at his best friend sharply, warningly. However, Riku was smiling, one hand on his hip. "What?" he asked coolly. "You thought I didn't know? I'm sorry. Was it supposed to be a secret?"

"Shit," Sora muttered, pounding his forehead with his knuckles. He should have expected something like this to happen.

Kairi looked torn between screaming at Riku, probably the first thing that came to mind, and admonishing Sora for his language. She bit her tongue, however, and said nothing.

Riku's smile was very disconcerting. "Don't be so jumpy," he said. "After all, it's only natural for two close friends to fall in love, right? It's _cute_." The last word was said with a slight sneer, but any contempt was banished within a fraction of a second. Kairi edged a bit closer to Sora, likely seeking for comfort, but Sora found he had none to give. Stricken with guilt, he only watched as Riku continued to smile, his eyes promising pain and death to anything that got in his way.


	7. Chapter Six: Trials

**:: Lose Yourself ::**

_Kingdom Hearts_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts; rights go to Squaresoft and Disney. The plot is somewhat based off the book called _The Voice in the Night_ by Dean Koontz.

Rating: R

Pairings: Riku+Sora, Sora/Kairi, Riku/Sora

Warnings: AU, suspense, horror, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, language, multiple freaky things

Notes: This chapter took a LONG time to write, which was muchly frustrating. A lot of unpleasant stuff happened while writing the chapter, but nothing changed from the original plan. Which is good. ^^

Anyway, you can list "animal cruelty" under "multiple freaky things" now. If you like rodents, you may not want to read this chapter. ^^ Have fun! Constructive criticism muchly encouraged!

_Chapter Six_

_Trials_

Sora had been in his room since dinner, gazing at the ceiling with blank eyes, fearing the night that was to come.

The past week had passed by fairly uneventfully. Fairly. The most exciting thing that had happened was that he'd constantly caught Riku making Kairi that much more nervous through sheer false kindness; the redhead girl was so jumpy now, always seeking Sora out; to protect him, most likely. She knew nothing of Riku's sneaking up to see Sora occasionally. He could do it as often as he wanted, really, invite himself into Sora's room in the middle of the night. His parents never cared where he was or where he went, so the brunette had found out recently. And Sora's mom rarely found out. On the occasion she did, she asked no questions, and when Sora asked her why in private, she said it didn't bother her because Riku was like family. Sora remembered slapping his forehead, and her giving him an odd look.

All right, so maybe there was a bit more stress in his life than he wanted to realize.

He kept glancing down at his left hand. A long scab was there, marking where Riku had cut him. It was slowly peeling away, giving way to the flesh that tried to replace it. Unfortunately, it wasn't healing fast enough. Just a glance, even from the corner of his eye, reminded Sora of that afternoon in the Secret Place, being pressed against the wall, the sharp blade against his arm, Riku's warm breath washing over his face...

Sora shook his head slightly, fingering the red mark. The worst part of all (or was it really _that_ bad?) was that he found himself irresistibly drawn to his best friend. Not just for the physical pleasure, but the strange thrill that Riku carried as he talked and raved of murder and death as though it were as precious as life.

One glance at his bedside clock told him it was time. Sora opened his bedroom window and clambered outside, trying not to make a sound. He was barefoot as he ran across the cool ground, white sand baring imprints of his feet. He noticed another pair of footsteps halfway to the Secret Place. Judging by their size, Riku was already there. There was no sign of Kairi so far.

_That'd be just great,_ Sora grumbled to himself, knocking aside vines that tried to hide the entrance. _To be stuck alone with him _before_ she comes._ The old Riku may never have done it, but there was no doubt the Riku now wouldn't have any problems with having some 'fun' with Sora before Kairi showed up. He might even possibly drag it out, intending for her to catch them.

He was surprised to see flickering light at the end of the tunnel, the signal of a fire having been started. _Did he start already?_

When Sora entered the gut of the cave, he saw that the candles had already been set up. All were lit. Riku was just finishing pouring the last of the lighter fluid into the circle. He didn't look up; though Sora was positive he'd heard the brunette coming.

Riku tossed the can away carelessly. He glanced up, smiling briefly. "Make sure she doesn't find the pictures."

Sora nodded slowly.

Almost as if it were her cue, Kairi stepped in, smiling. "Sorry. Am I late?"

"Just on time," Riku said with too much cheer. He strode forward and grabbed her wrist, easily pulling her smaller body toward the circle.

With a sense of dread overcoming him, Sora also stepped forward, eyeing Kairi, trying to assure her she would be fine. "Now what?" he asked.

"Now we need a torch," replied Riku. He gestured to a stick that had been propped up against the wall; one end was slightly damp. "Go on. Light one."

Sora complied, grabbing the stick and waving it cautiously over a candle. His back was to Kairi, and he was as far away from his friends as possible. The end of the stick erupted in roaring flames. He heard Kairi make a small, frightened noise. Sora turned back to them, the stick held cautiously in the air.

Riku nodded. "Good; that's fine." His grip on Kairi's wrist tightened, and he held her hand over the circle, her palm facing the ceiling. "Don't squirm," he said impatiently, pulling out his pocketknife. Sora's gaze was fixed on it, though he dimly realized he should have been watching Riku's expression instead. It was the very same knife Riku had cut him with.

"It'll just hurt for a little bit," Riku assured her, laying the flat side of the blade on the redhead's palm.

Sora instantly started. _For a little bit?__ How long is a little bit?_

Kairi's eyes expressed the same doubt. She drew her lower lip between her teeth, not even trying to be brave. The knife seemed to terrify her, and for once Sora couldn't blame her.

Quick as a flash, Riku pulled the sharp blade over her flesh. Kairi jumped, looking only mildly surprised, before she stared in horror at the huge gash in her hand. Blood oozed out, free of its prison. She screamed.

Riku glared, jerking her back when she tried to bolt. "Hold _still_," he snarled, forcing her hand over the circle. He was stronger than her and did it easily, two fingers pressing into her hand to make more blood fall. Kairi's other hand was clamped over her mouth, her blue eyes wide in pure terror. She muffled another scream, but didn't try to run as she had before.

Sora's hand clenched on the stick; his arm trembled. "Isn't that enough?" he asked thinly. Riku didn't answer. "Riku, you said she would bleed the least! You cut too deep! Stop it!"

The silver-haired teen looked up, smirking. "I also said girl's blood was precious to the offering."

"You also said the oldest!"

"This way just guarantees it."

Sora swore, starting forward. "Riku, she's lost enough! Stop it!"

Kairi was pale; trembling; she looked sick. Tears slipped from her terror-stricken eyes, and she whimpered softly. The knuckles of Riku's hand were white, portraying just how much of his strength he was using on the girl.

"Damn it, Riku!" Sora cried in a voice higher than usual.

Riku paused, and then slowly released Kairi's hand. She stumbled backward, falling to the dirt floor. She pressed her vermilion-stained hand to her breast, trying to stop the blood, sobbing softly.

Sora dropped the torch, rushing to Kairi's side. He heard it clatter, and heard Riku calmly set the circle on fire. Suddenly heat blazed behind his back, making Kairi's tears shimmer. She looked so frightened, as though she'd just woken up from a nightmare. Sora shuddered and pulled her hand away from her shirt. He instantly went to work, desperately ripping his sleeve with his teeth to wrap the wound.

When he was done, Sora pulled Kairi into a protective hug. She clung to him, but he had to push her away to glare at his best friend. "You said just a little blood!" he accused. "You could have killed her!"

Riku flashed them both a not so assuring smile. "Believe me; it'd take more than that to kill her."

Kairi clutched Sora's shirt, burying her face in his shoulder. Sora shook his head, cursing beneath his breath.

In the crackling fire, Riku's face was highlighted and shadowed oddly. He looked like a savage demon, especially with that smile plastered to his face. His canines looked longer; the teeth glowed eerily orange, as did his eyes, which were narrowed to slits in obvious anger. There was no doubt he would have killed Kairi. The only question was... why hadn't he?

Sora didn't dare ask now, but he surely would later.

Shortly telling his friend that they were going home, Sora led Kairi out of the Secret Place. She was mute the entire time, shivering, looking like a frightened animal that had narrowly escaped death. Part of Sora wanted to hold her, to assure her everything would be all right... but how could he anymore? He felt horrible.

He stayed with her for a while, nearly half an hour, just sitting beside her outside on the porch. Kairi kept toying nervously with the end of her skirt. She looked as though she wanted to ask something, but always backed out.

Finally, she took his hand. "Be careful."

"Good night," he replied softly, not meeting her eyes.

Kairi wiped her eyes and stood. Sora sat still; emotionless; he didn't move again until he heard the front door shut firmly. Then he stood and fairly fled, running as fast away as his feet could carry him. He kicked up sand highlighted by the moon's white face; his lungs heaved as he sprinted as fast as he possibly could for the Secret Place.

He scrambled inside and skidded to a halt, panting, not surprised to see that Riku hadn't left. He was still feeding the fire, prodding it gently with a water-dampened stick.

He didn't look up, but he did smile strangely. "Welcome back."

Sora shook his head, unable to find words until he caught his breath again. Finally, he did manage to gulp in enough air to say, "What the hell were you trying to pull?"

Riku shook his head. "I wouldn't have killed her."

"Liar."

"Not tonight," Riku continued, as though he hadn't spoken. Finally he looked up and locked eyes with the brunette. "I was going to, but changed my mind. I had a better idea. So I just shook her up a little."

Sora glared. "Bastard."

"Close enough," Riku agreed, gesturing. "Come on over. It'll get cold if you're not near the fire."

"I'm going home," the brunette said stiffly.

"Suit yourself." He didn't sound upset, or regretful; simply acknowledging, with a slight nod and a faint smile that was tinged with madness. Sora hurried out as fast as possible.

Sora had to admit, he was starting to get suspicious when nothing out of the ordinary happened for a couple days. Well, ordinary by the standards that had been set over two weeks ago, before his life had started spinning out of control.

Thinking back, he wondered if it had been out of control ever since Riku started killing. For six years, then? That was a horribly long time.

Kairi was unusually jumpy and nervous, alarming a few kids, but only Sora and Riku understood why. Riku seemed to be enjoying it. He acted as though the two were the best friends a guy could have, and no one else seemed to notice the cold gleam in his eye when he looked at Kairi.

However, at the moment, it was just the two of them and Selphie. Selphie was chattering animatedly, and Kairi did her best to listen, smile, and chatter back. Her efforts were strained, but the other girl didn't seem to notice. Sora only half listened, and the rest of the time his eyes were wandering. He saw the ocean rolling in toward them, attempting to tickle their toes with salty water. He saw Wakka helping Tidus adjust to fighting with the sandy-haired boy's left hand. Wakka knew little about fighting with objects like poles and wooden swords and the like, but he did try, and it was touching to see him acting like a big brother.

However, this time, Sora couldn't bring himself to smile. So he just watched, only partially aware of his surroundings.

He started when Kairi leaned against him, sighing softly as though she were exhausted. He felt the slightest twinge of guilt, accompanied by a strange mixture of annoyance and reluctance. He edged away, not meeting her eyes when she looked at him in question.

What was _wrong_ with him? A slow headache was beginning to build behind his eyes. Sora shook his head, rubbing harshly at his eyelids, and inwardly cringing as he heard a voice call him.

_Jesus Christ,_ he thought. _I can't believe I have to deal with this..._

Something hard knocked him on the back of his head; a rock. After he yelped in pain and turned to see who had thrown it, rubbing the sore spot, Sora heard Riku say, "What the hell's wrong with you? You're so spacey."

"Hi, Riku," Selphie said cheerfully.

Riku nodded once in acknowledgement then returned to Sora. "I want you to come over for a while."

Sora frowned. "Why?"

Riku shrugged. "Why not? Just to hang out. You can afford to spend an afternoon with your best friend, can't you?"

Neither boy noticed Kairi's darkening expression. She was angry at being so bluntly ignored, but she said nothing out of sheer terror. Sora couldn't blame her, though part of him wished she'd stand up to Riku. She only seemed to do it when it was the most stupid, and never endangered herself simply because she knew she couldn't fight him back. Sora wished she would _try_.

Fanciful thinking, but he really did wish it.

"Sure," he agreed amiably, getting to his feet and dusting off the back of his shorts. He turned to the girls, flashing a brief smile. "I'll see you guys later."

"Okay, have fun," said Selphie cheerfully, waving them goodbye. Kairi said nothing, and Sora knew she would be no help. He turned and followed his best friend.

Sora wasn't surprised to learn Riku's parents weren't home. He half expected Riku to jump him the moment the door shut, but the silver-haired youth didn't do any such thing. Instead he went straight for the kitchen, very casual, asking if Sora wanted a drink. Sora was startled and suspicious, but he accepted.

"Why did you _really_ want me to come over?" he asked quietly after Riku had given him a canned root beer.

His friend gave him an odd look. "Just to hang out. I hardly get to see you anymore."

Sora almost said, "Bullshit," but reflected quickly and shut his mouth; he _did_ still tend to spend a lot more time with Kairi than Riku. He decided not to say that it was because they were a huge comfort to each other.

Riku pushed himself away from the kitchen counter, grinning, tilting his head to the side. "So, what should we do now?"

"I dunno. _You_ dragged me here."

His friend raised an eyebrow, opening his mouth to answer, but a muffled _snap!_ from another room caused them both to fall abruptly silent.

"What was that?" Sora finally asked, almost afraid to find out.

Riku smiled a strange, wicked smile. "Come and see," was all he said. Unease made his stomach coil and uncoil viciously, but Sora put down the soda and obliged. He followed his best friend to the back of the house. There was a door held shut with a chair. Riku moved it out of the way and opened the door, flicking on a light switch. A dull yellow blossomed down the stairs, and he went down without a word. Sora did likewise.

Sora had never been down in Riku's basement before; honestly, he'd never really paid attention to if they had one or not. It smelled musty, and a thin layer of dust covered nearly everything, as though it hadn't been disturbed in weeks. Boxes were all over the place, most empty and folded, a few with labels and items hanging from the ragged sides. Sora noted one with Riku's name on it, saw that some pale, moldy cloth was poking out from a corner of the box.

The floor showed marks that someone had clearly been here recently. Riku followed these marks, and Sora noted several much smaller ones scattered in random places.

"Um... d'you have rats or something?"

"Close. Mice."

"Really?"

"Yup." Riku made his way to a corner the weak light barely touched upon. "Damned place is infested with 'em. Mom refuses to do anything about it, and the old man's too lazy to do anything himself. Poor bastard." His voice was flat, carrying no sympathetic tones.

Sora watched as his friend knelt in the corner. He could hear loud squeaks, but he ignored them. "You don't get along with your parents well, do you?"

"We have our disagreements," Riku agreed evasively, turning back to him and getting to his feet. Dust tickled the brunette's nose, but not enough to make him sneeze. The high-pitched squeals continued, and Sora finally took note of the squirming rodent in his friend's hand. He frowned.

"Um... what're we gonna do with that?"

Riku pretended not to hear the question. "I came down and set up mouse traps the other night. I thought this would come in handy, I just didn't think it would work so soon."

"That's great," Sora said impatiently. "So now what?"

"You're going to kill it."

Sora blinked, allowing a few moments for the bizarre statement to sink in. Finally, he said softly, "What?"

Riku smiled; the flicker of madness was back in his features. He squeezed the mouse gently, eliciting more inhuman squeaks and squeals. "You're going to take the damned thing and snap its neck, is what I'm saying."

The brunette shook his head. "Wait, but... _why_?"

The elder of the two continued to smile patiently. "If I asked you to kill a person, would you do it?"

"No!"

"Exactly. So we'll start small." Without warning, Riku grabbed the smaller boy's hand and forced the struggling rodent into his grip. Sora ended up with the mouse in both hands, his fingers curled beneath its kicking legs. Its tail lashed as his chest, but in futile effort. His thumbs were at the base of its neck, ready to apply pressure and snap its weak bones. Sora was beginning to feel queasy.

"I don't want to," he whispered faintly.

"Sure, you do. You want to snap the bastard's neck and hear that satisfying _crunch_."

Sora shook his head, but kept his grip firmly on the near-rabid creature. "No..."

Riku sighed, folding his arms over his chest. "It's easy. Just snap it. It's going to be a damn pain anyway; since it just helps the others reproduce like bunnies. So kill it for me."

Sora didn't answer, but he didn't release the mouse either.

"Go on."

He shook his head weakly.

"Do it."

Sora hesitated.

"For Christ's sake, just _do_ it!"

Almost as though they had a will of their own, Sora's thumbs slowly began to apply pressure. He watched, horribly fascinated, held by wonder and awe and fear all at once. But when the mouse's squeals reached his ears, he winced and assuaged the pressure.

"I... I can't..." he stammered.

He heard Riku growl softly. "For fuck's sake," the older teen hissed, and then Sora's hands were grabbed. Before he could protest, the older boy fairly slammed his hand over Sora's thumbs. The mouse emitted one final squeak, cut short by a loud, sickening _crack_. Sora stared at the dead animal, feeling it twitch a bit before it finally stopped moving altogether. It had only taken a second, maybe two, but to him it seemed like minutes.

"Shit," he whispered faintly, the ends of his nerves tingling horribly.

Riku's hands didn't leave his own, nearly covering the poor animal. Finally, almost reluctantly, they slid away. "See?" he said. "Was that so hard?"

Sora just stared at the mouse's broken neck, mesmerized by the sheer fact no bones could truly bend that way without being broken.

He almost didn't hear Riku talking. "However, it's not enough. You're going to have to do it by yourself next time."

Sora glanced up, brown hair falling in his eyes. "By myself?" he asked thinly, realizing that a fine tremor had taken over his body.

Riku stepped forward, wrenching the tiny corpse from the smaller boy's hand and tossing it aside carelessly. There was a sick, barely audible _thud_ and then his hand on Sora's face, cupping his cheek, bringing him closer and closer. His eyes were utterly calm, without a trace of insanity, and that made what he said all the more unnerving.

"You need to learn to hunt and kill alone. It's part of the thrill, you see. Once you can kill a mouse on your own, we can move to bigger things; funner things. It'll be a real popper, you'll see. And when we finally get you on to people..." Riku's lips brushed Sora's, gentle, teasing, seemingly incapable of forming such words. "Then it'll just be you and me, and we'll be all each other needs."

Then he engaged the other boy in a suddenly passionate kiss, pressing him against the dust-covered wall. Sora's hands immediately grasped for something to hold on to, trying to regain a sense of balance, and he barely noticed that he clung to the other boy, responding, kissing back.

Riku pulled back, his face slightly flushed, eyes excited, his breath quick. "Okay," he whispered, smiling. "You're doing very well. Very well."

Sora couldn't think of anything to say. So he walked around the older boy, slightly dazed, and began his search almost absentmindedly. He took a while to recollect his thoughts and slowly piece them together.

"Hey, Riku?" he asked after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah?"

Sora cautiously peered around a stack of boxes; nothing there. "Remember when you were stuck inside with a cold or something a few years back?" When his friend didn't answer, the brunette looked up to see sea-green eyes watching patiently, and he realized that Riku expected him to clarify. "It was a while ago, and I wasn't allowed to visit, but Kairi was," he prompted.

Riku smiled slightly. "I believe I know what you're talking about."

Sora nodded, more to himself than to Riku. He took a slow step backward, listening, dropping his voice to a low whisper as he strained to listen for the merest scratching noise. "Well, Kairi came back really tense, and you two haven't been at ease since."

"Yeah."

"How come?"

Riku tilted his head to the side, folding his arms over his chest. "How come what?"

"Well... you must have said _something_ to make her be like that," Sora replied. "She was almost... scared."

Riku grinned. "She was fucking terrified."

"Yeah, I guess."

"You want to know what I said to her?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

Sora was getting irritated. "Yes."

Riku opened his mouth to answer, and then paused. His eyes slid sideways, and Sora followed his line of vision. There was a small squeak and then a light scuffle. Sora could barely make out a small gray mouse making its way cautiously into the open from between a stack of old, dusty boxes. Neither boy spoke nor made a sound; Sora momentarily forgot how to breathe. The air was tense; Riku was waiting expectantly, and Sora knew what he wanted him to do.

He had a strange want for Riku to approve of him. Sora couldn't explain why, because he knew they were best friends, but he also knew this was an important thing to Riku. Sora's decision of what or what not to do was going to affect their futures, both together and separated.

Without giving it another thought, Sora darted forward. He heard the mouse make a small, high-pitched squeal as it noticed him. His reflexes were amazingly fast; his hand shot down toward the floor and wrapped around the small rodent, lifting it. The body fit snugly in his hand, and it was easy to wrap all his fingers around it. In leaning forward so quickly, Sora also lost his balance and went crashing to the carpetless floor. Dust flew up and he sneezed; the mouse did as well, barely a tiny little sniff, but he kept his grip on it.

Sora winced as pain flared in his elbow and right side. "Damn," he groaned.

He felt strong hands beneath him. Ignoring his protests, Riku helped him to his feet. He was smiling again, this time a bit strangely.

"One part done," he said calmly, pulling something from his pocket. He unfolded a penknife and offered it to Sora. "Now finish it."

Sora blinked. He slowly reached for the offered weapon, his hand feeling unlike his own as his fingers curled around the base. The blade gleamed dully in the poor lighting, and as though sensing its fate, the mouse began to wriggle and squeal and shriek in a frightening, inhuman way.

"Go on," Riku said softly. "Kill it. Stab it. Crush its head. Slit its throat. I don't care _how_; just do it on your own. Go on."

Sora closed his eyes briefly. "After this... then what?"

He was amazed that Riku responded so patiently, so calmly. "We'll gradually work our way up."

"How?"

"We'll just kill larger things. Until we get to people."

"What then?"

Riku grinned. "Then it'll just be you and me against it all."

Sora briefly pondered that. Just him and Riku... he knew it excluded Kairi, but thinking back, he remembered that she had been annoying him lately. Even if it had been the correct way of thinking, Sora would have preferred to _not_ have to say, "You were right." What guy did?

Just him and Riku.

_Just me and Riku..._

In one sudden, vicious movement, Sora brought the penknife down and slit the mouse's belly.

_Just me and Riku... it won't be that bad, will it? Because we're best friends. We're closer than anyone else. Even if it's this way, he says he can get me used to it... and then I won't be afraid, either._

Riku took the penknife from him; Sora hadn't realized he was gripping it so tightly. But the silver-haired boy gently wrestled it from his grip and set it aside, dripping blood on a musty old box.

"You're getting there," he assured his friend. "We're a lot closer now than ever. Just a few more steps and it'll be time. Just you and me."

Though he was trembling, though the feel of blood on his hands sickened him, though the sight of the dead creature made him want to scream, Sora found it within him to smile and nod. There was no other choice but to accept, and he figured he might as well make the best of it.

Besides, it would get better. Riku had promised.


	8. Chapter Seven: Initiation

**:: Lose Yourself ::**

_Kingdom Hearts_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts; rights go to Squaresoft and Disney. The plot is somewhat based off the book called _The Voice in the Night_ by Dean Koontz.

Rating: R

Pairings: Sora/Kairi, Riku/Sora

Warnings: AU, suspense, horror, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, language, multiple freaky things

Notes: Well. As I write these notes, I'm actually a lot further behind on the chapter development than I'd like. It took me _weeks_ to finish this—thankfully, I _did_ finish a good two weeks before it was ready to post.

Also, as I write this, I have a new obsession entitled _Gensomaden_ Saiyuki_. The characters are unbelievably cool, Seiten Taisei Son Goku is the damned coolest demon ever (aside from Kougaiji-sama~!), and the dub is among my favourites. Just thought you all should know, because I do highly recommend this series._

Anyway, enough anime plugging. This was written because of a sudden drive I had to finish this fic for my wonderful Ultimate Muse-chan. Thank you for encouraging me to start this! It'll be my first finished KH product, and I'm really happy about it. I still love the book it was inspired and heavily influenced by. I've never reread a book so many times at once before. ^^; Need to work on my fanfiction for it… after this is done, of course.

And… I'm rambling. Because it's nearly 1 AM while I write this, and I still need to spell-check this. Eh heh. XD Whee.

Okay. I'm done. *grin* Have fun… and please let me know what you honestly think. I've been waiting to get to this point ever since I started the fic. ^^;

_Chapter Seven_

_Initiation_

"I can't do _that_!"

"Sure you can. It's easy. Here."

Sora cringed as something soft, furry, and whimpering was pushed into his hands. He quickly adjusted to cradle the thing and looked down at it, wincing again. The mice he had been able to handle; rodents were killed nearly every day on the island because they were annoying pests. But...

Sora shook his head again. "No. This is stupid."

Riku rolled his eyes. "Give me a break. I told you once we were done with rodents and lizards we'd move up."

The kitten cried softly on protest, pleading for its life. Sora wanted to let it go, but the _last_ thing he wanted was for Riku to be mad at him. Especially considering Riku was the crazy one between them.

"Jesus," Sora whispered in disbelief. "You can't be serious."

Riku's eyes darkened. "Since I started this, when _haven't_ I been serious?"

He had a point. Sora felt sick just thinking about the things Riku and he had done in the past few days. What frightened him most was that he was gradually becoming used to the sight of blood, of the crushed skills of mice and small lizards, of repeatedly stabbed little bodies, of snapped necks and broken legs. His arms had a few scratches and bites from when he had been careless early on; most were gone. There was even a long red mark where a particularly large lizard had whipped him with its tail. It had stung, and Sora remembered being so surprised and angry by the attack that he had thrown the reptile to the ground, swearing as he crushed it beneath his foot.

And it hadn't bothered him until hours later, when he realized what had happened. He was getting _used_ to killing these things, and a part of him even _liked_ it.

Sometimes Sora really hated himself.

"How can we possibly hide _this_, though?" he protested weakly. "I don't think your parents would believe another cat or a dog attacked it."

Riku paused to think for a moment. Too soon he said, "Well, we won't stab it. We'll drown it."

"_What_?"

Riku grinned. "Sure. It'll work. Just find a deep pool or something, and drop him in. We'll watch him drown, and when he's dead we'll just leave. By the time Selphie finds him--"

"You took Selphie's _cat_?" Sora interrupted, incredulous.

Riku shrugged. "It was outside, alone, just sitting there. Nobody was outside, all the lights were off, so I snatched it from her porch and brought it here."

"Jesus Christ," Sora muttered, using one hand to cradle the kitten against his shoulder while the other came up to rub one temple in attempt to quell the building headache. Sometimes he wondered if Riku was really crazy. Could a crazy person really think of such an elaborate yet simple and nearly flawless plan? "What if someone saw you?"

"Take it? No one did," Riku said, confident. "It was early this morning when I grabbed the damn thing. No one's up at that hour."

The kitten mewled in protest, and Sora looked down at its furry face. He felt almost as helpless as it surely did; large blue eyes looked up at him wistfully. Sora could practically hear the kitten's little cries translating into pleas of help.

_But I can't help,_ he thought, drawing his lower lip between his teeth. _I'm too far in to get out._

"Come on." The brunette glanced up in time to see Riku walking away. Naturally, his friend expected him to follow... and as though his legs understood that better than Sora's brain did, they began to move. He trailed over the older boy, wondering how in the world they were going to find a place with water deep enough to drown the kitten. Not only that, it had to be away from where people would see; in solitude.

"Where are we going?" Sora asked.

Riku dodged out of the Secret Place, not answering until Sora had followed him outside. The bright sun stung his eyes momentarily, and he nearly lost hold of the kitten.

Riku was looking around, the sunlight shimmering off his silvery hair. One gloved hand shaded his eyes from the glaring yellow orb in the sky, making his eyes look more of a dark, hellish blue than their normally bright aqua colour. Sora stared at him, wondering why he found this so fascinating. Why Riku? Why a killer? Why did he have to be involved?

All of the questions went back to one unchangeable thing; they were best friends, and always would be. Even through this.

"Riku? Where are we going?" Sora repeated.

His best friend tilted his head. Aqua eyes studied him critically, making Sora a bit uncomfortable. Whatever he was looking for, Riku must have found it because he smiled in satisfaction. It was such a normal smile; he looked so _normal_...

"To a discreet place, naturally," said Riku, glancing around. Near the Secret Place there was a wide hole in the ground. Fresh water fell like a miniature waterfall into the shallow pool. If he stood in it, Sora knew the clear, lukewarm liquid would only reach just above his ankles. _Not ideal for drowning a kitten,_ he decided absently.

Riku seemed to be thinking the same thing. "Damn," the older boy said softly, reaching up to push silvery hair from his eyes. Sora stared at him. "Hm..."

Sora tried not to look down at the kitten as an idea came to him. "Um... Riku?"

"Yes?"

Determinedly, Sora fixed his gaze on his best friend and lover. "Are your parents home?"

Riku snorted, folding his arms over his chest. "Of course not. Why?"

The brunette shrugged. "Well... if we can get this thing there without anyone seeing... we could always drown it in a sink or bathtub, right?"

Something flickered in Riku's eyes. Sora had the feeling he wouldn't be able to catch it, but then it suddenly burned to life; excitement, approval, and even a touch of admiration was in Riku's eyes. Despite the reasons for it, Sora couldn't help but feel pleased.

"I was hoping you'd come up with a way on your own, eventually," Riku said, smiling his creepy smile.

Sora shrugged, closing his eyes against his friend. He didn't want to feel happy that he had pleased Riku, and the warmth in the pit of his stomach was both frightening and welcoming. It had been a long time since he had connected with Riku, and with each passing day they were growing inevitably closer... even Kairi was bound to notice. He felt guilty, but...

"Let's just get this over with," he whispered.

Riku nodded. "Of course. C'mon, if we go now we should be able to avoid anyone that might recognize the damn cat."

Sora held the kitten close to his body, being careful not to squeeze so it wouldn't make too much noise. The whimpers were dying down, and Sora had the feeling that the poor thing was finally coming to terms with its fate... exactly like Sora was slowly coming to terms with his. The only difference was that Sora found he was slowly growing to enjoy the insane whirlpool Riku was drowning him in. His desire to escape was waning.

It seemed a bit strange to him when Riku appeared to withdraw suddenly. The sudden lack of his presence was unnerving, and Sora was torn between concern for his friend and concern for Kairi's safety. With Riku gone she was even clingier, as though afraid the silver-haired boy was going to attack her any second.

Truthfully, Sora worried about that as well.

He was alone on Paopu Island when he found out what was going on. Not in the mood to do anything but sit and watch the other island kids play, Sora had retreated to the miniature island (some had dubbed it Riku's Island as well, which actually wasn't far from the truth, as Riku spent an awful lot of time there) to sit on the awkwardly bent paopu tree and simply observe.

Kairi had been with him, of course. For the longest time they simply sat on the island. Every minute that passed in silence made her fidget all the more until she finally told her boyfriend she was going to go collect seashells with Selphie. Sora had nodded, accepting her gentle kiss on the cheek. He hadn't done anything of the like in return. He knew it was concerning her; he knew she was scared that Riku was taking Sora away from her. And though he knew of her worries, Sora did nothing to assuage or confirm them. He simply didn't know what to say about it.

Aside from that, Selphie was also acting differently. She was a lot quieter; her fanciful, romantic dreams were rarely spoken aloud anymore, though it had only been two days. Everyone knew what was wrong; her kitten had been found dead at the beach, soaking wet; it had drowned. Screams had filled the air the early afternoon Selphie had discovered her dead kitten, screams that Sora, Riku, and Kairi had heard from the other beach.

Terrified, Kairi had taken off to see what was wrong. The boys had stayed behind, naturally knowing the cause for the screams. Riku had been chuckling softly, while Sora had been torn between wanting to punch him and wanting to kiss him. His feelings, as well as his thoughts, were mixed and confused now.

Because of the incident with Selphie's dead kitten, Kairi had made it a point to be with her for a while every day. Wakka had grown noticeably more protective, even more so than he had when Tidus had been half killed (and really, Sora hadn't believed he _could_ get any more protective). Tidus was always a bit more quiet these days, and Selphie's bout of depression only made him quieter. Sora knew the sandy-haired boy spent a lot of time with Kairi, asking her questions and talking as though she were a sort of therapist. A week or two ago, Sora would have been jealous. Now, however, he could barely bring himself to notice what was going on outside of the triangle that formed his, Riku, and Kairi's supposed friendship.

So it was well into noontime, nearing evening when Sora saw Riku for the first time in almost three days.

So wrapped up in his silent musings was Sora that he didn't hear the soft crunch of sand behind him. He didn't notice the older boy's presence behind him, which was probably what caused Riku to say in a mildly irritated tone, "Sora, what the hell are you doing?"

The brunette started, whirling to face his friend. "Riku..." Then he frowned. "I should be asking you the same thing! Where've you been?" he demanded.

Riku shrugged. "The other day I was just busy. Yesterday I was grounded."

"For what?" asked Sora incredulously; he knew Riku's lifestyle well enough to understand that his parents were rarely home, and when they were they paid scant attention to their son. There were, perhaps, a few stiff dialogue exchanges, but other than that...

Riku snorted. "Mom actually went into the basement. To clean for once; go figure. She found the dead mice. She wasn't exactly pleased."

Sora shook his head. "If that's what it was, I'm surprised she _only_ grounded you."

"If you think she knows I -- or we, rather -- did it, then you're dead wrong," Riku said calmly. "She just thinks I let some animal in on purpose and didn't bother telling her. The fuck if I know how she came up with such a lame idea." He hoisted himself onto the bent tree trunk, making himself comfortable beside Sora. A strange smile was playing on his face. "It wasn't so bad. I got time to think."

"Yeah, God knows you don't do enough of that."

Riku snorted and shoved Sora roughly. Startled, the brunette nearly fell off the tree. "Hey!"

"Smart-ass," the older boy muttered fondly, pulling Sora back into an upright position. "Do you want to hear my idea or not?"

Sora shrugged uncomfortably. "I dunno... you want me to kill something else, right?"

Aqua eyes flashed; Riku glanced around, ensuring that they were alone. "Watch it," he said in a low tone. "With Kairi as tense as she is, we have to keep it quiet."

Sora sighed. "What's your idea?"

"That we let Kairi in on the fun."

Sora blinked, not sure that he heard right. "Wait... what?"

Riku grinned. "I think it's about time, don't you?"

"Wait... let her... wait!" Sora spluttered; his blue eyes wide and curious. "You mean you're not going to... I thought you..."

"Hated her?" Riku finished. "Yeah. But you like her, right?"

"R-right." Sora cursed himself for stammering; he could have sworn there had been a glint of triumph in Riku's eyes, but whatever had been there was gone as soon as it had come.

"Well," Riku said, kicking the trunk with his heel. "I figured... it's been a while since _that_ incident in the Secret Place." Sora nodded, knowing Riku was referring to the time he had nearly sliced Kairi's entire hand open. "And I've been careful not to bother her; I was hoping she'd calm down and return to normal." Riku shrugged. "Since she hasn't, I figure we should just let her in on the fun and get it over with."

Sora eyed his friend skeptically. "Won't this ruin the 'just you and me' thing?"

"Why should it?"

Shivers shot through Sora's spine at the words. Riku's voice had been accompanied with an utter calm, a confidence, and a sort of coldness that Sora couldn't get used to no matter how hard he tried. It was like having a bucket of ice dropped down his shirt each time, making the hairs on his neck and arms rise in goosebumps.

Riku leaned forward slightly, though they weren't quite close enough to touch. Sora could barely feel the warm breath on his face, eased with the gentle sea breeze. Only the soft crashes on miniature waves attempted to muffle Riku's voice. "It will _always_ be just you and me. No matter who else is with us at any given moment, it'll be just you and me. Just us against the world."

Sora shook his head, breaking the mesmerizing eye contact. "How long have you been planning this?"

"Involving Kairi?"

"Involving _me_."

Riku smiled; it was wicked, very boyish, with traces of kindness and warmth that only Sora would receive. "Ever since you started going out with her, and I realized that I was close to losing you."

Sora stared, unable to form the words to reply. Riku stared at him, his eyes probing the smaller boy before he leaned back. The tension eased, but Sora couldn't shake the feeling that if they had been completely alone Riku would have kissed him.

A part of him was disappointed he hadn't anyway.

A part of him hated himself for thinking that way.

Riku turned around suddenly, smiling. "Hey, Kairi," he called, causing Sora to twist around to see where she was. She was on a beach a ways behind them, and looked somewhat guilty, as though she'd been trying to sneak up and listen to their conversation. Sora had the irritated feeling that it had been exactly what she'd been trying to do.

However, rather than keep her surprise apparent, Kairi smiled brightly and ran around to the shack so that she could join them on the island. Once she was out of earshot, Riku murmured, "She's been there for nearly five minutes."

Sora stared at him. "And you _let_ her hear us?"

"Of course not," Riku said, one eyebrow raised as though he couldn't believe Sora would think he was that foolish. "She was just barely out of earshot before I turned around."

Sora sighed. "How the hell can you tell these things?"

Riku grinned maliciously. "Six years' practice."

Sora grimaced.

Right then the sound of the shack door swinging shut caught their attention. Riku fell silent, simply smiling as Kairi approached them. Sora felt sick-- this time it was different, though. He used to feel horrible every time Riku mentions the murders and death... now it hardly bothered him, and _that _reaction was what made him feel nauseas. It was unlike him... and scary.

"So," Kairi chirped, breaking the tense silence. "What's up?"

Sora swung around, dangling his legs over the other side of the tree trunk. "Well..."

"Not much," Riku said easily. "How's Selphie?"

The look in Kairi's eyes clearly said, _like you care_, but she answered anyway. "Not so good, I don't think. Her cat's death had a horrible impact on her."

"She'd just gotten it, hadn't she?" Sora asked, pulling his eyebrows together in a slightly worried expression. He could see Riku's lips turn up in a smile of approval from the corner of his eye. Sora was trying his best to act like his old self, and he found that if he didn't think too much about the present situation, it was very easy to do.

Kairi sighed, shaking her head sadly. "Yes. It's weird, though... I wonder how the poor thing got all the way to the beach without anyone noticing?" She had been looking at Sora when she began speaking, but her gaze kept shifting toward Riku, who shrugged.

"Who knows?" he said easily. "Maybe it got out early in the morning, before anyone was awake."

"Maybe," she said softly, turning her eyes downward to the sand.

Sora sighed inwardly, managing to stifle it before it became an audible sound. "Riku, didn't you have something you wanted to tell Kairi?" he asked.

Aqua eyes pinned him, darkness lurking beneath them. Sora knew that his friend was angry he'd brought it up, but then the look vanished as Riku took it into stride with suspicious ease. "Yes," he said, grinning at Kairi. "How'd you like to be let in on the secret?"

The redhead's eyes widened. "Secret?" she whispered, sounding more frightened than Sora was sure she wanted to. "What secret?"

"Oh, come on," Riku said, smiling teasingly. "You know that you're just _dying_ to know what Sora and I have been whispering about lately."

She hesitated. "Well..."

"It's all right," Riku assured her. "It's only natural you would notice. It wasn't very fair of us, I think, keeping you out of the loop. I mean, considering you're our best friend and all."

"I guess so," she said slowly. It was Sora's turn to look at Riku, though he was more baffled than angry. Riku wasn't _seriously_ planning on letting her join them... was he?

No. Impossible. He wouldn't...

"Tonight, then," Riku said. "We'll meet at the Secret Place tonight."

"Why at night?" Kairi asked sharply. "Why not during the day?"

"Because it's so much more _exciting_ at night," Riku said, his voice lowering with each word until he spoke in just barely over a whisper. "_Everything_ is more exciting at night. The land is dark; foreboding; forbidden for the mere mortal eye to look at. Surprise lurks around every corner. Parents think you're safe in bed, when the truth is you're out like an owl-- no, a vampire, a stalking, bloodthirsty vampire, waiting in delight for the hunt to begin..."

His voice trailed off. Riku's expression was unusually solemn; his eyes were locked with Kairi's. Their situations couldn't have contrasted any more than they did right then. Kairi's eyes were wide, her breath was short and shallow, her hands were clenched at taught at her sides, her expression pinched with fear. Riku's eyes seemed to be glowing, narrowed at her pretty face, his breath a bit too loud and ragged, fingers clutching at the tree trunk beneath him. Staring at them both, Sora couldn't shake the feeling of the predator and prey situation. Riku had gotten far too excited when he had been speaking, but he didn't seem to care at all. Kairi wasn't moving; she looked terrified.

_Damn,_ thought Sora. He moved to slide off the paopu tree when a sudden burst of laughter made him freeze. Riku was laughing, his head thrown back as though it were the funniest thing in the world.

"Fuck," he gasped, snickering as he regained his self control. "You are such a _weirdo_, Kairi! Don't tell me you _bought_ anything I said!"

"No," she said defensively, her cheeks flushed with embarrassment. "Of course not!"

"Then you'll meet us tonight?" Sora asked quietly.

She looked at him, her eyes unusually hard and determined. Her smile was sweet, but the glint in her pretty eyes gave away her anger and humiliation at Riku's so-called joke.

"Yes," she said, returning to Riku. "Yes," she repeated. "I'll be there. Tonight."

"I can't wait," Riku returned, still chuckling softly. Sora smiled weakly.

Kairi wouldn't come quietly like she had before. The sudden change startled and unnerved him, and it made it even worse that Riku didn't seem to care at all. It was almost as though he _wanted_ Kairi to come and try to do something.

But... what? Not even Sora had the faintest clue what Riku had in mind. But he was implying that they let Kairi kill with them... and it just wasn't like Kairi to do that. She was the peaceful one, the one that protested their play fights... no, there had to be something else, there just _had_ to be...

Feeling stupid and foolish, Sora gave up trying to figure out Riku's complex reasoning. He would find out in a few hours' time.

How many times would he be able to sneak out like this? Sora was shocked that he'd never been caught so far. Didn't his mother ever come to check up on him?

A while ago he would have been embarrassed to learn that she did that -- _if_ she did that, rather -- but now he couldn't help but be angry. Didn't she care about his safety, especially with the murderer on the loose? So what if she didn't know whether it was Riku or not? She still should have been concerned!

Sora wondered if this was how Riku felt about his own parents. The brunette had no illusions of Riku's family being the perfect model family that they pretended to be when they were all together. He knew Riku's parents were rarely home, and when they were they rarely even spoke to him. Not even a hello... nothing.

_Wouldn't that be depressing?_ Sora wondered. _How long has it been going on? Forever? Why would you have a child if you didn't plan on taking care of them?_

Unfortunately, Sora had more questions than answers. With a soft growl beneath his breath, he pulled the little switch from its place, unlocking his window. It creaked as he slid it open; he wriggled through the small opening, landing rather loudly on the wooden makeshift porch. He cringed, listening for any other noise, any indication that maybe his mother had heard.

Nothing.

He cursed beneath his breath, easing his window shut so that he would be able to open it again with ease when he returned. Part of him desperately wished that she had heard so that he could have a good excuse not to meet his friends.

Unfortunately, luck had never been very good with Sora. Sighing, he submitted himself to the inevitable and quickly made his way to the sandy ground.

No lights were on downstairs. He ran.

Having grown up racing his best friend, Sora was by no means a poor racer. He was fast; he knew how long to make his strides to gain effective distance and speed; he knew how to leap over, steer around, and avoid different kinds of obstacles. Of course, Riku being older than him, he was pretty much better and slightly more experienced. Thinking now, Sora was beginning to realize that his best friend had probably been honing whatever skills he could for as long as he'd been killing. He _was_ the best kid on the island. He was the best at damn near everything, and _that_ was what made him both such a great friend and a formidable opponent.

But he'd never hurt Sora. Never...

Maybe, thought Sora, he had realized that hurting Kairi would hurt Sora. And thus why the change of heart; he was changing his plans to lessen the pain.

He only prayed that Kairi would play her hand right and not land herself in the hospital like Tidus had.

Sora reached the Secret Place in no time. He was panting softly, gulping in the cool night air as though it would replenish his strength, like drinking water. He pushed vines and brush out of his way, creeping through the long, dark entrance to the gut of the cave.

Sometimes he hated himself for being stupid.

He _really_ hated himself for not allowing himself to anticipate this.

Riku was smiling at him, a fond smile. His eyes were warm, glee apparent in his features. "Hello, Sora," he said cheerfully. "Lovely night, isn't it? A perfect night for initiations, wouldn't you say?"

Starlight filtered through the hole at the ceiling of the Secret Place. Sora was rooted to his spot at the entrance of the cave, his eyes wide, his breath caught painfully in his chest.

Riku was toying with what looked to be a small kitchen knife. He was wearing his gloves. Blood stained his hands.

Kairi was on the dirty ground of the Secret Place, her mouth bound by a strip of cream-coloured cloth that looked a lot like a dishtowel. Her eyes were wide, wet with tears. Small noises were muffled by the towel. Crimson streaked her face; there was a large gash on her left cheek where blood was pouring freely; salty tears mingled with it, and the stinging pain was probably what was making her cry harder.

"What..." Sora whispered faintly, his voice cracking.

Riku circled behind him, his arms encircling the smaller youth from behind. He nuzzled the younger boy beneath his ear, pressing the knife into one of Sora's hands.

"Are you ready to do it?" Riku asked, grinning in Sora's ear. He bit the edge lightly, causing shivers to shoot through Sora's body momentarily. "Well?" he asked. "Answer me, Sora. Are you ready to make your first _human_ kill? Because she's right in front of you."


	9. Chapter Eight: Bad Friends

**:: Lose Yourself ::**

_Kingdom Hearts_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts; rights go to Squaresoft and Disney. The plot is somewhat based off the book called _The Voice in the Night_ by Dean Koontz.

Rating: R

Pairings: Riku/Sora

Warnings: AU, suspense, horror, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, language, multiple freaky things

Notes: Very gruesome, detailed death scene here. This is where the serious character death comes in. I'm looking forward to everyone's reaction to this, actually… *grin*

And since I don't have much to say, I want to promote two things.

_Watch Gensomaden Saiyuki and download the duet image song Treasure!_

^_^ Have fun~! We're finally nearing the end of this. It's been so much fun… (Also, anyone that knows about Saiyuki image songs already may recognize the chapter title… hee, I just thought it fit really well, so… ^^;)

_Chapter Eight_

_Bad Friends_

Sora's fingers hurt from clutching the knife so tightly. He felt a bit unsteady, dazed, and completely baffled.

"But," he said weakly, "you said..."

"I said we'd let her in on the fun," Riku replied, one arm around Sora's waist, holding the smaller boy tightly against him. "This will be fun, won't it? After this she'll never be in the way again."

So he'd been planning this all along. He'd never wanted Kairi to kill with them; he wanted _Sora_ to kill _Kairi_... because it would be fun. Because it would get rid of her. Because Riku hated her.

Sora couldn't think of a time he'd been blinder to anything.

His hand was trembling; it fell to his side. "No," he whispered. "I... I can't, Riku."

If Riku was angry, he didn't show it. Rather, he sighed with surprising patience. "I was afraid it would be a bit too early for you. But you know..." His voice darkened. "I can't stand the sight of her anymore. I can't take her trying to eavesdrop on our private conversations. I hate that she keeps trying to take you away from me, like she has been for the past eight years."

Since they'd met her?

Riku tightened his grip on the younger boy, causing Sora to wince in slight pain; Riku was strong, and he tended to forget that he could hurt Sora even on accident. "Besides," he continued silkily, "she had come intending to get proof that I had set her up that one time. Isn't that right, Kairi?"

The redhead glared up at him, tears still streaming down her face. Sora had never felt so torn. This was more than just picking one over the other as a lover, this had someone's _life_ at stake. And if his hands were stained with Kairi's blood, could he get over it?

With a nasty shock, Sora realized that as long as Riku was there, he _could_.

_What the fuck is _wrong_ with me?_ he cried inwardly. _This is stupid! It's horrible! How can I think like that?_

Because Riku had asked him to. Because Riku was so certain that he could get over Kairi easily... and because Riku was his best friend.

"You know," Riku said quietly into his lover's ear. "If she wasn't the type to scream and cry and made such an awful noise until someone found out what we were doing, I'd love to take the gag out of her mouth."

"Huh? Why?" Sora asked in hopes of keeping the older boy talking long enough for him to think of a way out of this.

Riku chuckled, his breath warm against Sora's skin. "So I could hear her pained insults while I do this." Sora was going to ask what _this_ was, but realized with a start exactly what Riku meant the moment the older boy's lips touched his neck. Sora's eyes widened; he nearly dropped the knife in surprise.

"R-Riku--?"

"Shh," he mumbled against the smaller boy's skin, pressing gentle kisses against Sora's throat. The brunette couldn't find the voice or will to tell him to stop, to protest against Riku's actions, simply because the feeling of Riku's gloved and sliding his shirt over his belly was so badly startling, sending faint tingles through his body.

"Ah..." Sora shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. The older boy was nipping his throat, ignoring any sounds his lover made. If Sora had been able to see Riku, he would have noticed the aqua eyes wide and focused on Kairi, burning with triumph and hatred at the same time.

Sora tried not to look at her, but it was hard. She watched them silently -- not that she had a choice -- and seemed to be unsure whether to be shocked or angered. She made a noise against the cloth in her mouth, but Sora didn't need to hear her to recognize the burning question of _why_ in her eyes.

Somehow, he couldn't bring himself to care about answering. And he didn't even feel guilty about that...

Sora forgot all about his girlfriend as soon as Riku's hand slipped beneath the waistband of his shorts. Gloved fingers caressed him, drawing quiet moans from the smaller boy. Sora's eyes closed and his head tilted back, giving the silver-haired youth more access to his flesh.

"She had a miniature recorder in her coat pocket," Riku said quietly, talking to Sora even as his hands continued to molest the boy. "It's a bit hot to be wearing a coat even at night, isn't it?"

"Mm," Sora murmured, only half listening.

"She also brought a gun... likely, she took it from her parent's house. Self-defense, I'm sure. Isn't that just rude, Sora? I asked her to come here to have fun, and she brings a gun."

"Thought you wanted to kill her anyway," Sora managed to gasp, arching his back as Riku continued to manipulate him with his hands. They did this often, but always alone... somehow allowing Riku to pleasure him in front of Kairi made it more arousing, more exciting... part of Sora hissed that this was sick, it was wrong, but his hormones were overriding common sense; this felt good, it was fun, and it was Riku... who cared about the rest?

"Guns are no fun," Riku explained, nestling his chin on Sora's shoulder, where the flesh of his neck met his shoulder. "They're too easy, and you can't see the fear in the victim's eyes when you kill them..."

Neither boy needed a translator to recognize Kairi's muffled shriek as, "You're so sick!"

Riku smirked. "Besides, puncture wounds cause more blood. It's messier, yes, but harder to trace fingerprints in that mess, isn't it?"

Sora couldn't answer verbally anymore, so he just nodded, his gasps and whimpers filling the otherwise silent cave.

Riku slowly pulled away, ignoring Sora's weak protests. He turned the boy around, kissing him fully, his grip vise-like on Sora's rumpled t-shirt. "Sora," he said when he broke free. "Kill her."

Sora stole another glance at Kairi, wincing. It was one thing not to care about what she saw... it was something entirely different to _kill_ her. "Riku... I thought that when you said she was going to join in on the fun..."

Riku raised an eyebrow. "You thought I wanted her to kill with us?"

"Well... yeah."

The silver-haired boy sighed and shook his head. "Sora... as much as I love you, you're an idiot." He walked around the brunette and crouched in front of Kairi, smiling even as his eyes narrowed in hate. "Why," he asked, grasping the girl's hair, "would I want someone that is trying to take you away from me to join us?"

Sora said nothing.

Riku pulled and Kairi's head snapped back. She gasped and seemed to choke. The blood was beginning to clot on her cheek, trying to close the wound. Without a word, Riku reached out and pressed down on her cheek until the wound tore open again. She emitted a scream that was caught and tangled in the cloth. Riku smiled and stuck his thumb into the cut. Kairi screamed again. No one but Riku and Sora heard.

"You stupid girl," Riku whispered. "You really thought you could outsmart me? I've been doing this for six years, and you _really_ thought I was dumb enough not to notice that you were wearing a coat in such warm weather?" He sneered. "We live on an island, in case you haven't noticed."

Blood dripped from her face and to the dirt. There was a puddle of it beneath Kairi's head, and some smeared on her clothes and Riku's gloves.

"Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a gaping hole on your face?" Riku asked. He looked at Sora. "She doesn't need another, I'm sure, but it sure would be a popper to see inside her mouth that way, wouldn't it?"

Sora tried to speak, tried to ask Riku to stop, but he ended up just staring at him.

Riku shrugged then stood. "Well, there are other ways to cause pain, I suppose..."

Sora finally loosened his tongue enough to speak, but as usual, all that came out was a question. "Riku... that one time... I asked you what had happened that one time Kairi came to visit you. Before you two started acting weird... what did you tell her?"

His lover sighed. "You're so damn annoying with your questions sometimes." However, the words held no bite. "Does it really matter?"

"Yes," Sora said firmly, still desperately trying to think of a way out of this situation.

"I just told her that she'd never win." Riku's smile was one of intense satisfaction. "And I was right. She lost you, and now she's going to lose her life. Isn't that right?"

"That's it?"

Riku's grin widened. "Well, I also told her how she would die." He looked back down to the redhead, who had dissolved into frightened tears. "And no one believed you, did they?" he asked. "Because they thought you were delusional, or that I was too sick to understand what I was saying."

When Sora made no signs of moving to at least hurt the girl, Riku's smile faded. "Sora."

The brunette slowly shook his head. "I... can't..."

"Give me the knife."

Startled that Riku wasn't angry or shouting, Sora unthinkingly handed it over. Riku grasped his wrist and pulled him down. "Now watch," he said, grabbing Kairi's arm and hovering the sharp metal over her tanned forearm.

Slowly, painstakingly slowly, he pressed down and dragged the knife across her skin.

Another cry tried to fight its way past the cloth, but to no avail. Riku was grinning. Sora watched with morbid fascination as red welled up, slipping through the efficiently torn flesh and dripping down her arm like tiny rivers. Kairi choked on a sob, and it looked as though she was biting the cloth as she tried vainly not to notice the pain.

"Now it's your turn," Riku said, holding the knife out to Sora.

The boy took it, his hand trembling. His eyes were locked on Kairi's pretty face, her wet blue eyes, the tears mingled with blood... red blood, crimson, vermilion...

Riku was watching, waiting expectantly.

Sora moved quickly. He felt as though his wrist snapped in half as he made a quick, shallow cut on Kairi's arm. She started, but didn't scream; it was likely she hadn't felt the pain yet. She just stared at Sora in sheer disbelief.

Sora stared back.

Riku's lips twitched into a small smile. "That's a start."

His friend had nothing to say to that. Sora closed his eyes, one hand closing around the redhead's wrist. As though on their own accord, his eyes opened as he slid the blade across her flesh, drawing more blood. At this rate her arm would be turned into ribbons... the cuts were quick and shallow, but were progressively becoming slower and deeper. The blood fascinated him, held him transfixed as he spilled more and more of it...

Kairi suddenly began writhing; she screamed muffled screams that nobody outside the cave could hear. Riku chuckled and Sora lost his grip on his girlfriend -- would it be ex-girlfriend, or just dying girlfriend? -- and actually fell backwards from the sudden loss of something to grasp. His hand came back bloody.

"I told you," Riku said, almost humming the words with glee. His aqua eyes reflected insane lust; he was obviously enjoying the scene. "You're gonna die... you're gonna die..."

Kairi attempted to struggle free, but she was bound efficiently. Not only was Riku's strength and cleverness against her, but so was her lack of physical strength. She did her best to scoot away, crying, leaving trails of blood on the dirt floor.

"You're making this _so_ much fun," Riku said, smiling. "If I didn't hate women, I'd fuck you just to scare you even more before you die..."

Sora shuddered.

"Well, then," the oldest said. "I guess it's time to draw the game to a close... don't you think, Sora?"

Kairi's expression clearly said that was the last thing she wanted. Sora wasn't sure if he should call her brave or stupid; wouldn't it be better to die in this sort of condition? Wasn't that the way Riku wanted him to think?

Yes... it was...

Riku's hand was on his face, tilting Sora's head to the side so he could meet his eyes. "Are you bored?" he asked quietly. "Or do you want to drag the death out a bit more?"

Kairi's choked sobs and screams were so annoying...

"Yes."

Sora turned away from his lover, crawling toward the bleeding girl. The cuts he'd made so far had been shallow, and they would heal easily and soon. Therefore...

His hand darted out, grasping her torn arm and twisting it behind her back. Kairi's screams were becoming hoarse, and her cries were dry, as though she'd run out of tears. Sora blocked the noise from his mind, concentrating on the lovely red fluid that slowly leaked from her pretty body. Too bad she hadn't matured quicker; there may have been more blood, more ways to torture and kill her, ways to drag it out longer...

He shoved the knife into her back, allowing it to sink halfway in. She was twitching horribly in his grasp, her cries dying as her screaming finally began to take a toll on her voice box. Sora drew the knife across her back, jerking when he met resistance against bone and muscle. There was tearing, gushing of her life fluids, the smell of copper filling the air so that he could almost _taste_ it...

Sora twisted the knife, drawing it slanted down her back. He had to stab her again when he got to the spine and couldn't cut through it; his breathing was ragged, his eyes wide and crazed, sweat trickling down his face. His shirt and arms and hands were stained red, and he dimly wondered if it would ever wash off.

He twisted the knife again, jerking it across her back with a sudden violent move. Blood sprayed. His legs were soaked. Sora released her and shoved her forward, staring at his handiwork.

He'd carved a crudely-shaped S into her flesh.

Riku was nodding his approval, unable to contain his laughter at the same time. "Great!" he hissed. "A real popper, Sora..."

Sora felt a strange smile tugging at his lips. Riku approved; he was pleased, he was happy... Sora had made him happy.

"But she's still alive," Riku muttered, turning Kairi's barely breathing body over with one foot. "Just barely, of course." He sneered at her. "Stubborn little bitch."

Sora scooted along the ground until he was on his knees beside Kairi, below Riku. "What now, then?"

Something clicked. Sora looked up and saw his lover wielding a pink and gold pen, engraved with curvy script bearing Kairi's initials. "She _lost_ it, apparently," the silver-haired youth was saying. "We should give it back to her."

"Go ahead, then."

"Thank you." Riku crouched beside Sora and, with one violent motion, drove the pen through Kairi's throat.

There wasn't much blood left for her to spill; only a tiny droplet or two escaped the wound. Riku turned her over, the pen still protruding from her neck, and sighed. "Lovely work, Sora, but kinda stupid."

"Why?" the brunette asked, frowning.

"Because the police could easily associate the S with your name, stupid," Riku replied. He reached behind Sora for the fallen knife and knelt over Kairi's prone form, making a large cut at the base of her neck. He reached inside the cut. Sora couldn't see it, but he could guess that Riku's hand had wrapped around her spine, because he spent the next few seconds tearing out the long line of bones with nearly inhuman strength. But then again, it _was_ Riku.

Sora felt a faint tingling sensation in the back of his head, but it passed quickly. She was dead... Kairi was dead, bathed in a river of blood. Was her blood innocent or tainted now that he and Riku had laid hands on her?

He felt eyes burning into his head. Sora turned to look at Riku, who was regarding him very seriously. "What?"

"You're unbelievably sexy right now," Riku said. "Covered in blood..." One hand brushed across the younger boy's face; a curved finger parted Sora's mouth before the kiss was initiated. For the first time there was full consent, complete response, and mutual passion. Sora's fingers threaded through Riku's hair, tightening into fists as the older boy pushed him to the ground and quickly took control.

"Ah... no fair," Sora whispered, gasping as Riku unbuttoned his pants and slid his hand in. "I've never been on top..."

As he tried to sit up Riku moved quickly, grasping his wrists and pinning them to the ground. "Some other time," he breathed, kissing his lover's throat. "Tonight is all about your initiation... so shut up and worry about being dominant some other time."

It a strange way, that sort of made sense. Sora moaned as Riku returned to his work. So what if the corpse of his dead girlfriend was watching, blue eyes frozen forever with fear and pain? He was past the point of caring and had lost himself completely in Riku.

"What if someone finds out?"

Riku shot the brunette an exasperated look as he pulled a clean shirt over his head. "No one's going to."

Sora frowned. "But what if we left evidence behind?"

"Not possible," was Riku's calm answer. "We were wearing our gloves, so there were no fingerprints. I took the knife and cleaned it carefully and put it back with the rest of Mom's kitchen knives."

"You know your mom may use that tomorrow."

Riku smirked. "I know."

Sora sighed. "But still..."

"Look," Riku said patiently, "they have _nothing_ on us. As far as my parents know, I was spending the night at your house. Your mom knows I make surprise night visits all the time, so we're covered. We'll burn the bloody clothes sometime, but for now they're being washed the best they can."

"Yeah, because my mom wouldn't notice weird red stains," Sora muttered, voice laden with sarcasm.

Riku delivered a light smack upside the boy's head. "Which is why we need to get to them first. They should be done before your mom even wakes up."

"Yeah? And until then, what do we do?"

"Fuck until the clothes are done, hide 'em, then fuck some more after breakfast."

Sora shook his head, unable to keep from smiling. It was hard to tell if Riku was joking or not, but even now he could appreciate his best friend's sense of humor.

It didn't _feel_ like they'd recently finished brutally murdering a close friend.

Sora honestly hadn't expected Riku's plan to be completely flawless. That was why he kept receiving repeated waves of shock every time he heard the news from his mother: Kairi was dead, had been murdered, and no one had any clues as to who had done it. The police had come and gone, interrogating them...

He couldn't believe how smoothly it had gone.

Perhaps it was because the reality had crashed only when they had announced it, but hearing that Kairi was actually dead had caused Sora to go into shock. He'd felt numb and had only been able to stare and make foolish movements with his mouth. Even the words, "No way," had slipped past his lips before he'd snapped and fled the room, attempting to lock himself in the bathroom.

Riku had to come and coax him out. He was an unbelievable actor. Somehow he had managed to make the blood rush from his face when he first "heard" the news. His fists had clenched and his shoulders shook; he had excused himself and walked a few feet away, covering his mouth and making small noises behind his hand. It had sounded like he was crying -- there had even been a tearstain or two on his face -- but Sora had the distinct feeling Riku had been laughing himself silly, barely able to contain it.

Of course, their alibis paralleled; Riku had come over in the middle of the night to crash in Sora's room. Sora's mother had been able to explain that it was a common occurance, and Sora had no doubt that when the police would question Riku's parents later, they would also be able to confirm that fact. In a sense it was true; Riku had come over late to spend the night. It just so happened that he had come _after_ helping Sora brutally murder Kairi.

Afternoon found Sora curled on his bed, hugging his knees to his chest. Riku sat beside him, not touching him at all except to sift his fingers through the spiky brown locks.

"... We really killed her..."

"That's right," Riku agreed, his expression surprisingly blank.

Sora bit his lip, staring at the wall.

"Are you regretting it?" Riku asked, massaging the smaller youth behind his ear.

"... I dunno," Sora admitted.

"Well, there is that, then," Riku murmured, pulling the brunette up and embracing him tightly. "You'll get used to it," he promised.

_Is that a good or bad thing?_ Sora wondered, vaguely disturbed that he honestly couldn't tell.

Riku nuzzled his lover's hair. "Hey."

"Yeah?"

"D'you need consolation sex?"

Sora wanted to scream, to shove him away and yell at him for even suggesting it. It was rude, cruel, and arrogant to suggest such a thing. How dare he?

And yet, "Please," was the word that fell from his lips.


	10. Epilogue

**:: Lose Yourself ::**

_Kingdom Hearts_

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts; rights go to Squaresoft and Disney. The plot is somewhat based off the book called _The Voice in the Night_ by Dean Koontz.

Rating: R

Pairings: Riku/Sora, hinted Tidus+Kairi

Warnings: AU, suspense, horror, yaoi, adult situations, blood, murder, character death, language, multiple freaky things

Notes: I'm sorry for the delay; this was the only part I didn't have written ahead of time, and it honestly had me stuck. But... somehow I was inspired, and I've managed to wrap this fic up. It's not worth the wait, I'm afraid... but I honestly did try.

*sweatdrop* Also, this is the only chapter that hasn't been beta-ed, so I apologize for any typos. ^^;

_Epilogue_

The sky seemed to bleed when the sun set. The reds and oranges and violets weren't colours of flowers or beautiful pastels-- they were all different shades of blood. The thought made Sora shiver.

He walked across the beach, listening to the sound of sand crunch softly beneath his shoes. It had been three days... and since then he'd slipped into a sort of numbness.

Riku assured him he would be "perfectly fine" in no time.

Sora didn't know what to think about anything anymore...

His feet took him to the dock. He stood still for a long time, staring at the back of Selphie's head. She seemed to sense his presence, because she said without turning, "It's pretty."

Sora said nothing.

"The sunset, I mean," she continued, finally turning her head to look at him. Tears were in her eyes, old stains trailing down her cheeks. She quickly wiped at them, trying to smile. "Don't you think so, Sora? Like a pretty painting?"

"Sure," he lied.

"Yeah." Selphie nodded, trying to reassure herself. "Yeah..."

Sora took a step back, and when she didn't move he hurried off the dock.

The wind carried the heavy scent of salt. It was a bit humid; heavy; laden with moisture... Sora found it odd that he could breathe easily despite all that.

He found himself pushing the door open to the shack, climbing up the stairs. The boards creaked beneath his feet, shrieking in agony, as though he were killing them, too. Sora ignored it.

Pushing the second door open, he was greeted with a sight that was more night time than evening. The oranges had drained from the sky, and black was beginning to mingle with the purples.

Sora also found himself staring into bright blue eyes.

Tidus blinked, his expression burdened with sorrow. A spark of anger showed through.

"You," he said hoarsely, as though he had been crying for a long time. Sora just stared. "You..." Tidus began to tremble. "You never deserved her. You bastard."

"I know."

The sandy-haired boy clenched his fist, his eyebrows drawing down as more of his anger was portrayed. "That's all you have to say?" Tidus demanded, advancing. Sora didn't step back, allowing Tidus to shove him hard back against the closed door. "That's _all_ you can say?! After she... after Kairi..." Tidus swallowed, his breath becoming ragged. "All you can say is... _I know_? And run right into Riku's arms like some sort of... fucking _prick_?!"

Sora didn't think he deserved Tidus' angry words, but he allowed the boy to throw them at him. After all, what did he know? He didn't understand anything.

"What are you going to do?" Tidus demanded. "Now that she's dead... aren't you going to be angry? Sad? _Anything_? Even Riku's more upset than you!"

_Ah, yes,_ thought Sora dimly. _Riku's definitely the better actor between us..._

Instead, all he said was a soft, "I'm sorry."

Tidus stepped away from him, looking disgusted. He opened his mouth as though he were going to say something, paused, then shook his head and shoved Sora aside, storming down the wooden stairs of the shack.

Sora smiled faintly, the first change of expression he'd had that afternoon. When Riku found out...

Riku.

The brunette made sure his legs were steady before he crossed the bridge, stepping onto Paopu Island. He walked to the edge, glancing down at the glimmering seawater before raising his eyes back to the setting sun. It had nearly completely sunk beyond the horizon.

The blood was nearly gone, wiped clean with the cloth of darkness. Sora sighed.

It wasn't until the sun had disappeared altogether and the first few stars flickered to life that he felt the familiar strong arms embrace him from behind.

"Hi," Sora whispered.

He could picture Riku grinning. "Hey. You're out late."

"Yeah..."

Riku dropped his embrace, moving to lean against the closest palm tree. Sora followed his every movement, admiring his best friend's catlike grace.

"I saw Tidus."

"Did you, now?"

Sora nodded. "He was furious. He said I was a bastard for not showing any emotions."

The corner of Riku's mouth curled into a smile. "Funny. I see it as an improvement. That means you're not sad."

"I guess not," Sora agreed.

A chilly summertime breeze caused a wild shiver to run down the brunette's spine. He rubbed his arms, glancing out to the sea one last time. One last look before the night was over.

Riku's gloved hand came to rest on his shoulder. "Wanna sleep over at my house?"

For the second time, a smile touched Sora's face-- albeit a less self-mocking, slightly happier smile than the one before. He nodded.

It was no longer as though their hands weren't bloodstained, dirtied with the vermilion of life. Rather, it was that they had simply washed the blood off and cleansed their hands, getting rid of any evidence or guilt.

In a very twisted way, it was a definite improvement.

_End Notes:_

_Lose Yourself_ was my second Kingdom Hearts project, but my first (and only) finished one. This in itself is a rarity; I seem to have difficulty ending my bigger projects. Probably because I don't like seeing things come to and end...

Also probably why I tend to leave things open for sequels. ^_^;;

There are some things I want to explain about this fic, so if you have some free time, I'd really appreciate you reading this.

First off, the ending. Why did I end it this way? Why did I let evil win? There are three major reasons for that. The first is that in the book _The Voice of the Night_, the good guys won. After all the tension that had built up, all the suspense and trauma, it was a disappointment. The good guys _always_ win. It's so... boring. So one reason was because I wanted it to be different from the book as much as possible. Another is because, despite what fairy tales say, evil does _not_ always lose. Perhaps eventually, in the long run, but there is the occasion that it slips from our grasp and wins. I wanted to show that.

The final reason is simple: because it was more fun this way. ^_^

I have ideas for a sequel to this, but I wouldn't advise you hold your breath at the moment. My attention has been taken away by the twisted, evil, delightful yaoi-ness of the _Saiyuki_ fandom. But I _do_ have ideas, and I hope to write a sequel sometime... so keep your eyes peeled every now and then, ne?

Lastly, thank you to every single last reviewer-- even the stupid flame made me giggle, even if it was for a slightly different reason from the others. To have horrified/fascinated so many people with my writing makes me a _very_ happy D-chan.

Bai bai!


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